Abundance of gratitude

for Friday
To keep me grounded is to remind myself of what is truly important; gratitude for the simple things.

Today I am grateful for
... $25 Staples reward coupon
... $10 CVS extra care bucks
... 20% off  coupon, which I used at the car dealer today... for my front brakes, new tires, oil change and one broken brake light
...$10.50 in rolled pennies
...my soon coming 2% annual rebate from Costco

for Saturday
Today I am grateful for
...a Old Navy cowl neck sweater for only .99 cents at...The 99 Cents Only Store

More oodles of cuteness

Grandma's sweet pea...

and her precious mama



Sisters

What a blessing she is to me.



My sister and me.

Abundance of gratitude

for Saturday
To keep me grounded is to remind myself of what is truly important; gratitude for the simple things.

Today I am grateful for
...my own bed to sleep in
...eyebrow tweezers
...a scissors to cut my bangs and a razor to shave my legs

You take these things for granted...until they are taken away from you for 10 days.

Past life altering changes brings with it repercussions, that echo through each and every day, leaving little of who you were, less of who you want to be...but all that is left of you.

A gentle reminder to myself

There are times when I need to re-focus my thoughts on that which is empowering.  Someone shared this on a forum I visit.  Thank you Debbie for posting, The Serenity Prayer, at just the right time; which for me lately...is just about anytime.

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference..."

Walk a mile in my shoes and then we will talk

The pain of betrayal and deceit are not just surface wounds.  Where all it takes is  a bandaid and a couple of days and it will heal. Where there also may be a slight scar, which fades away over time. This kind of pain reaches to your very core, with a volcano of emotions.  There are times that it just bubbles and seeps just below the surface. Constantly, consistently, ever aware that it is there. Then there are other days, where it just fully erupts and intense pain spews out of your core, out of every pore, in every direction and you can not control it. For it feels like as if it is suffocating, any semblance of rationality. These are days when life has no rhyme or reason and you just pray for the light.

So do not judge those whose shoes you have not walked in. For unless those other shoes fit like a glove, keep your opinions to yourself. You can not judge someone elses pain, unless you have lived through their eyes; of the betrayal and pain yourself. You can not tell some one how to act or react, as you are not living their life each and every day. You are in no position to judge anyone else involved in this mess, for this is not your life that was disrupted... it was mine. I will only do the best I can to survive each day, by gently putting one foot in front of the other...emotionally unhealthy stuff and all.

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...it must be one fugly duck

When your mate leaves you for another woman, you assume he is upgrading...to a more beautiful woman.  Now I am not just saying this as a scorned woman, but anyone who can see....has to be thinking the same thing, I thought.  What the hell was he thinking. No...it is not the women to the left...it is the piece of garbage on the right.  Yes I am feeling a bit not so nice today...that's why I have enlarged her facebook picture...extra large...so you can get a good look, of what is not, the definition of outward beauty and by her vindictive emails to me...she is just as ugly on the inside.

                                                   Patricia Cooper

This mid life crisis of mine has re-wired my brain...with much menopausal insanity mixed in

Now from my first tattoos, I knew the next ones would be some what painful, but I thought no more than the tolerable pain of the first two.  Nope not even close.  I had not a wee bit of inkling, of what I was in for.  Nor that the intensity of the stabbing pain, would be like someone was trying to saw my lower back in half.  Did not have a clue, until that tattoo needle met my lower back and I was like a deer caught in the headlights of pain. The closer to the sides of the back, the more intense the pain...not to diminish that every where else was just as bad.  If this had been my first tattoo, I never would have gone back for a second one.

Now as I am laying on the table facing another tattoo artist, tattooing three other woman, one after another,  none of whom, are not even flinching.  The first one is texting on her cell phone, while getting her upper back tattooed. The one after, had one tattooed near her collar bone and told me it felt numbed.  Am I the only one who's head is spinning, like Linda Blair's in the movie, The Exorcist.

Now I don't know if it is just my tattoo artist, or if they all have selective hearing when you are cursing...ouch stop.  Its as though they have ear plugs in.  I was cursing, like I was possessed by a sailors mouth, even cursed the ex, who I have had no anger at, up until that moment. I was so ready to leave with just the outline and no shading done.  What possessed me to continue, all the while with feeling like, the knife stabbing pain in my back...I don't know.  Between my potty mouth, the only thing that alternated out of my mouth, was me asking...how close to being  done are we,  in that sailor's potty mouth of mine.  Almost done with the outline is what I heard, when I thought it had taken so long, we should have been done with the whole thing.  Thank goodness I decided to only to cover 3/4 of my lower back and not the whole thing.  Then we get to the shading.  Do you know that a girl in pain does not want to hear, we have 20 more cherry blossoms left, to shade.  Nope not the thing she wants to hear.  The original picture of the tattoo I wanted could not be done, as for some reason it could not be traced.  So we  found another tattoo of cherry blossoms that I liked.  This one had 2 birds in it. So glad I was not enamoured with the birds...less time tattooing meant less intolerable pain.  Thank you Caitlin and Brian for allowing me to squeeze your hands, with the power I did not know I had...through the whole time.

So at this point I am thinking there is no way I am going to get the Japanese symbols on the back of my calf today...as this pain paralyzed my brain.  After it was done and I saw how beautiful it was...(I lost what little mind I had left, once again) ya know I had to question one of the guys who had a calf tattoo and he said it was not as painful as the lower back...so back I went on the table...every irrational part of me.

No pictures yet, but hopefully very soon.

Organic, raw and amazing

Me and kombucha, who would  have ever thought, that I would let alone, even try it...but that it would become, one of my absolutely favorite things to drink.  The first one that I tasted was the strawberry serenity, now that was good,  but the cosmic cranberry...now that is divine.

So as tattoo day approaches on Monday...

I have had much time to think.  So in addition to the cherry blossoms on my lower back...I will be getting the Japanese symbols for faith and serenity on the inside of my lower calf.  Most likely the right calf.  I will be getting the Kanji symbol for both faith and serenity.  For serenity I will most likely get either font 2 or font 6...depending on which one blends more proportionally to the faith symbol.

Japanese symbol for faith 
Japanese symbol for serenity

I know that inner beauty is what defines you...

but I am also now embracing the new found girly girl in me and they both fit like a new glove.

Relationships are like glass.  Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. 
~Author Unknown

It is a quote that brings peace of mind

I sent him a email, with no other motive... other than to let him know, what and how I feel at this moment in time...not expecting nor wanting any reply.  This quote says it better than I  ever could...if I had written it myself.  I have always been honest and not hid from him how I feel.  It has nothing to do with feeling vulnerable at this moment, but everything with feeling empowered enough to be able to express this, with eyes wide open and a heart that is healing.

I started the email off with this and ended with the quote.  No matter where our paths take us...in totally different directions, as it is...at this time, always remember.  Just as life is what it is, so is...what is in ones heart.

There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.
-Gretchen Kemp

"I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was"

‎"You can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to things you don’t want to feel."

What was never really lost, could have just been misplaced...under all the emotional stuff

Before the betrayal came out, I was a different person, as I have said...in more ways than one.  I had female friends at work...but it ended when I left work. There were no female friends or mentors of substance in my life..just acquaintances. I was very much alone.

Since I have become a gentler, unconditionally kinder human being....I am more receptive, to other woman.   I have found a plethora of support from women from church, from bible study, from women from a online site.  These woman are genuinely caring and non judgemental...whether or not my life at the moment is not...part of their belief system.   I am making some genuine friendships and I know that this is part of a bigger plan.  I believe that God is guiding me. Faith is starting to bloom inside of me. It is all about baby faith steps...if that makes any sense.

Life is good

I have just eaten, 1/2 of a organic fair trade, dark chocolate bar and it has the same effect, as though I have just taken a Xanax...which I haven't.

Good days, bad days and dark days

Today was a bad day...to where I just wanted to sleep all day. Though I was up between naps.  When I used to get depressed before all this happened, sleeping was my way of dealing with the depression.  I took two Xanax this afternoon, as I knew it would put me to sleep as it did yesterday or was it the day before.  I seem to lose track of the time lately.  I know that I do not want to become dependent on the Xanax as they are addicting and that is just one more thing I will have to deal with.

I have not gone out in two days nor have I done anything around the house.  It is not dirty but just plain cluttered. Things seem to be put, where ever they get put down and then not moved to where they belong.  The dining room table is a catch all for everything and anything...and the pile, just keeps growing.  The last time it got like this, is when I got cancer. Then I just dropped the mail, where ever I was at the time it came in...and we ended up with piles of unopened bills and junk mail all over the house.  This times its worse as it is just piles of this and that and it is not just on the dining room table...it has spread to each room.  There are packages that need to be returned, but I have yet to get them ready, to be shipped back.   Its utterly overwhelming just like the last time and just like last time, the piles are of such irrelevance...compared to what is clouding my mind. 

My daughter has been gone for 2 days and it has taken every ounce of emotional energy I have to clean the litter and feed the animals...but that is the only thing that has got done.

There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.
-Gretchen Kemp

You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.
-Anonymous

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

~ Mother Teresa

"The tide goes back a little, but not to its old mark; and then it comes on again and this time it moves higher than ever, and so on.  This mode of progression seems to be general throughout nature - an advance; followed by another minor retreat and a still greater advance, continuously repeated."
-Emmet Fox

In six days

Cherry Blossoms In China
"The Chinese see the cherry blossom as a symbol of power, particularly of the dominance of the feminine persona. This could mean a blossom tattoo is ideal for you if you are a strong willed woman who values her liberty and freedom or if you have recently come out of a difficult relationship.
It also stands for love if you are coming from the herbal lore approach."

Cherry Blossoms In Japan
"In Japanese culture there is often a link between the blossoming of cherry tress and the Buddhist concept of "mono no aware" which refers to the reverence for life, the transience of being and the sadness at the passing of things. This is because cherry blossoms only appear on tress for short times before they fall to the ground."

"This association with mortality is highly symbolic in Japan and has been used in traditional art there for many centuries along with more recent manga or anime. This link may however make a tattoo of cherry blossoms unsuitable for some. Alternatively, it may give you renewed appreciation for the fragility of life and help you make the most of your brief time on this Earth, while bringing you a different perspective on the hard times you may face; knowing that they will not last forever."

The girly girl in me

Every girl needs a little black dress.  Since I have lost around 20 lbs., I can wear a size 16/18 depending on how it is sized.  I saw this dress and it was love at first site.  I knew this was going to be...my little black dress.

I ordered it two sizes smaller than I am...at a size 14.  It arrived today and it actually fits, other than the bust of the dress...which at this time is a bit too small.  But I am determined that by my daughters graduation, in May; from the Credential Program...that me and my little black dress will fit like a glove.

Bucket list

I can envision a warm summer day and a swim in a lake similar to this one...sans the bathing suit.  It would nice to share this moment with someone. 

Then mark one more off my bucket list.

To have weeks of a new normalcy...

and then to have a day like yesterday...is exhausting to say the least.  Bad days are very dark and seemingly hopeless.  The uncertainty of of whether it was going to continue; for even one more day was nothing short of terrifying.  Just the thought of spiraling down into the darkness, feels like the sound of  pure despair. Dark repetitive, continuous thoughts with out a spark of light anywhere to be seen.   If despair was a sound; I would describe it as being curled up in a fetal position, rocking back and forward, in a deep dark confined hole...with no way out. 

But alas today was a new day, with a bit of anxiety and depression free normalcy; and for this I have a abundance of gratitude.

It is true for all things...not just two souls

If you love someone, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours.  And if they don't they never were. 
-Kahil Gibran

There are times in ones journey, when online sites you visit, are a good fit.  There are other times, as you evolve and change, that the good fit...no longer fits like a glove.  So as the quote says, step back and if it is meant to be...you will return.

This was one of the roughest days...

that I have had since the Prozac started to work.  Its been a overwhelming emotion filled day.  Its been a day of tears, depression, nausea and naps.  If feels as though everything is once again, seeping below the surface and nothing is helping.  I feel at times, I have over come all that seeps and there are days like today that no matter what I do or how I try to convince myself...I can't turn of feelings of 23 years.  No matter how much everyone tells me to cut off contact with you...I call.  I want my best friend back.  I want answers...even though I am told I may never get them.  I want to know that some where along these 23 years that you cared and most of all I want to hear that you care now. I have taken a Xanez.  I want to scratch again to relieve this pain, but instead, I just circle the tattoo, with my fingers to soothe myself...like a baby who rocks himself to sleep.  I feel emotionally stuck again...I just pray that I am not stuck in emotional quick sand.

New beginnings

I am thinking of a getting a lower back tattoo.  The first one I got represented this part of my journey, the second one was for harmony...to center myself, if anxiety appears.  This one will represent new beginnings...as a way of coming full circle.  Not sure of what I want though.  I found this picture online and it is ever so lovely.  It would have to be adjusted to go the other way.

I have connected with my id

The id is unconscious by definition:
"It is the dark, inaccessible part of our personality, what little we know of it we have learned from our study of the dream-work and of the construction of neurotic symptoms, and most of that is of a negative character and can be described only as a contrast to the ego. We approach the id with analogies: we call it a chaos, a cauldron full of seething excitations... It is filled with energy reaching it from the instincts, but it has no organisation, produces no collective will, but only a striving to bring about the satisfaction of the instinctual needs subject to the observance of the pleasure principle."

I am comforted...

by a bit of normalcy in my life. Good days with just bad moments scattered here and there.  No bad days in between.  Life is good and I am so very blessed.

My emotional universe has aligned itself

The Prozac has taken me from beyond devastation to emotional harmony. With this comes a extreme personality change.  I used to be some what quiet, reserved and not very talkative.  If I didn't know you, I would either be friendly or not, depending on what I chose to do.  I avoided social situations and any time it was thrust upon me, a overwhelming uncomfortableness would over come me.  I was fairly patient and non confrontational.  I very rarely got mad, but when I did...I would unleash it with a fury on not those, who were deserving of it, but rather on unsuspecting strangers.  Before living meant just existing, living each day with no purpose.

Now that I am hormonally balanced,  I have a much calmer inner being, where my calmness goes to my core. This brings with it true inner contentment.  I think when one is truly content and all is good, it oozes out of your core into every pore.  I am  now out going, unconditionally friendly, a genuinely nice person and talkative (way too much).  Being friendly does not take effort like before.  I am comfortable in social situations. If a friend suggests making plans...I am there, where as before I would do anything to avoid it. I now have a passion for living and I am getting  in touch with my authentic self.

I would say my personality has made a 360 degree change.  It is a challenge for my children as they have never seen this side of me.  It adjustment for them, but not for me.  For me it is a passion and it fits like a glove; as I am truly happy and no longer lost inside of myself.

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. 
-Alexander Graham Bell

"There's no need to miss someone from your past.  There's a reason they didn't make it to your future"
-Unknown

I was lost and now I am found

The best revenge is to live well...in the form of my every growing bucket list.  It is so empowering and I feel fierce and oh so amazing.  I am inhaling life and not just existing anymore.  Gratitude is coming back...faith is soon to follow.

There is nothing more empowering, than two tattoos and a nose piercing...

to make you feel

fierce and fabulous

The above tattoo is a work in process.
 There is no red ink, this is just the effect of the needle on my skin.

                                            

My amazing bucket list adventure

At the top, with my precious to me...niece

Thank you for going with me Caitlin.

                                   

This picture shows you no where near
 the enormity of this giant.

                                              

My amazing ah ha moment

For 23 years I waited for him to be home, move home on a "normal day to day" basis.  Now I understand that when you are career military, you don't always have that, you have time away from home and very erratic schedules.  If you are stationed 5 hours away from home, visits are in between.  I accepted that and at the time understood...regardless of whether I was happy about it or not.  I made the best of a situation I had no control over.

I was a good mate. I went to work and came home, that was the extent of my life.  Rarely went out, avoiding situations I had no business being in.  I raised our 4 children basically by myself.  I did not drink nor smoke nor do drugs.  I did not party.  On the rare occasion that I did go out with a group of employees, I never drank.  I never thought of another man, yet alone ever cheating on him.  I was beyond faithful and beyond committed even without a marriage license.

I was robbed of time, other than the 18 years of deceit.  I was robbed of all the precious time he spent with that woman.  Time that should have been spent with me and our children.  Lets face it, when this started the kids were 4, 6, 8 and 13.  This is time that they needed him the most and he should have been there.

I put up a front but I was so unhappy because I longed for him to be home and all I did was wait.  18 years of waiting and being miserable and for what.  The ah ha part is that, there was a big part of me that died from the betrayal among other intricate things.  Also the part of me that died was the unhappy mate waiting for her man to come home.  She no longer waits but now she  has now started to live  her life as though tomorrow will never come.  For that reason, Willie I will always be eternally grateful that you made the choice you did.  I guess it is true that with pain...new beginnings are born.

My ever growing bucket list

Edited to say tonight my sister, son, niece and I were at the Irvine Spectrum.  While they were in the Apple store, I went outside to sit on a bench.  The bench was facing a store. I looked to my right and see the ginormous ferris wheel...that seemed to be as tall as the heavens.   I am petrified of heights, that never crossed my mind.  The first thing that  came to my mind was...bucket list.  Went back in the store, convinced my niece to go with me and off we went.  Hesitation was replaced by excitement.  I am changed forever in more ways than one.

ride a ferris wheel - done
2 spiritual tattoos (tomorrow) - yay, done
target shooting (Indiana) - done
riding on the back of a Harley with the wind beating down on my face (Indiana)
getting my nose pierced (only if my prospective job will allow it, or it would have been done tomorrow) - yay, done
going out of my way to meet new people every chance I get (ongoing)
going to a Amish farmers market (Indiana)
trip to Tuscany, Italy
acrylic french manicure - done 
scuba diving
getting my hair professionally highlighted
swimming naked

Music that empowers me

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.
-Mohandas Gandhi

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years
-Abraham Lincoln

I am so empowered and there is no other option

I will NO LONGER live in the past, the what could, what should, what did, what didnt, what if, why, why not. What I will do is LIVE EACH DAY as though tomorrow will never come.

I have found myself

I have not only regained my voice and have 110% clarity, but I am at the stage of...intense anger and it has so empowered me.  I am a force to be reckoned with.  I will NEVER AGAIN let him, her or any one else, have such emotional control over me.  I am my own woman and I am so ready to be begin my life.  I have the clarity to understand that he did me such a favor and for that I will be eternally grateful.

To regain what was misplaced

When one has regained her voice and her clarity, one can communicate in a clear and concise manner, with out getting emotional to those...who beyond deserve it...just sayin.

A life with out health insurance

I can't remember a time when I didnt have health insurance.  When my Cobra rates went from active employee rates to normal Cobra rates...it went to over $700, for the both of us.  When you are unemployeed that sometimes is not a option.  To keep one of us on it is, $363 which was only $63 more than the active employee rate, for both my daughter and I...this was much more feasable.  The question was who to keep.  We both have pre-existing conditions...me cancer and her depression, so my HMO was out of the question.  She goes to therapy weekly and at that time was the only one on medication and she is the one who gets sick more, so we are in urgent care quite a lot...so I kept her on.

When I was in the psychiatric hospital, they gave me  7 days, of the medication I was on with a referral to the Santa Ana Mental Health Center...3 days later.  There they told me I would see a psychiatrist once a month and they would refill my medication at no charge.  What a blessing  I thought.  Operable word...thought.  They did a intake to see if I qualified for their services.  Since I only suffer from depression and am not "severly mentally ill"...I did not qualify.  So they gave me referrals for therapy and sliding fee psychiatrists.  Sliding fee is $80 and up.  Now I could have financially handled that but one of the medications is for a medical issue and I would also need to find a doctor also...extra charge.

Ever since I had my colon re-sected 6 years ago I have had chronic constipation...which has only been resolved by taking 8 Senna a day.  The doctor in the hospital suggested trying a prescription called Amitiza.  So I did and it works so so.  Some days I have to add a few Senna but at least I have weaned myself off the Senna some what. 

I was getting a little frantic as I am almost out of meds and the clinic had been no help.  So I went into the walk-in clinic, which also has appointments.  The cost of the first visit $150.  Still better than having to pay both the psychiatrist and the doctor.  While I was there I decided to get my flu shot....$30  I also inquired about get a HIV blood test.  For this 18 years of infidelity there were no condoms  used...so among other things he put my life at risk.  It was only $14 for the test so I had that done.  I walked away paying $180 up front and will be billed for the lab test.  I was having a panic attack waiting to be seen, as I thought maybe they would not refill them since they were prescribed because number one I had been suicidal and number two they were not the doctors who had originally saw me.  The doctor was lovely.  The two medications that are controlled substances she can only write a months supply since I was originally suicidal and because they are a controlled substance. She said the next office visits if I pay cash will "only be $88".  I was not thrilled at the mere thought, but it is better than $150.  A little budget adjusting will have to be negotiated.  She gave me prescriptions for all 4 of the medication and changed two of them. The sleeping pill which is suppose to keep you asleep a full 8 hours...has me up like clock work 5 hours later...so she changed that to Ambien.  She also changed the anxiety pill to Xanex.

Next I was off to Target to see if the prescriptions could be covered under the $4 generic plan.  Three of them did not come in generic form.  She checked the prices for me.  The Prozac for a 3 month supply came to $10 and the Xanex $6.50 for a one month supply.  Great fill them I told her.  Next the Amitiza.  It is a relatively new drug...$800 for a 3 month supply.  Had a wee panic attack.  I thought when  I went to Costco, later that evening, I would check the prices there.  The Ambien for a one month supply was $27 and I didn't refill that one at Target either.  At Costco I have never filled prescriptions so I had no idea if there would be a savings.  The Ambien turned out to be $7.24...the price nearly 3/4 lower than the Target price.  Next time I get the other two refilled I am transferring them over to Costco.  TheAmitiza was a little cheaper, but not much...$732.  So that was not filled.  I am going to try to see if I qualify for the Prescription Assistance Program for that one.  If not I am back on the Senna...as that is the only option left.

So my first day maneuvering my non medical insurance life...left me $217.74 out of pocket...I miss my HMO.

My cutie patootie...

What are little girls made of? 

 Sugar and spice and everything nice

That's what grandmas little girl is made of.

Living well is the best revenge.
-George Herbert

Celebrate endings - for they precede new beginnings.
-Jonathan Lockwood Huie

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.
-Joseph Campbell

Just what the doctor ordered

Next month I am off to Indiana, for two weeks, to reconnect with my first born, who I have not seen in over a year.  I am going to inhale grandma hugs and kisses from my two grandchildren.  One a five year old girl who I have never seen and a grandson who is now 10.  The last time I saw him he was three years old.  Nothing better for healing the heart.

I took a sleeping pill last night that made me real groggy for hours after I woke up last time.  I am so sleep deprived and didn't have much to do today.  But alas I was up at 2:30 a.m. after five hours of sleep...not groggy though.  More sleep and not groggy...small blessings.  I want to try to do a bit of reclaiming my home today.

Makes you say hmmm

One the many songs that, I have been listening  to over and over again, is a song by Carrie Underwood called...Before He Cheats.  Among the other things she does to his truck...is that she takes a baseball bat to his head lights.

Don't tempt me the next time you come around with that van of hers that you have brought down here so many times before.  I might just crank up the sound of that song on the Ipod and then... why stop at the headlights...take out the windshield also.  Then call the police myself.  I have lost so much already, that it would be worth the price, of the damage and the jail time.

A emotional respite

Other than being sleep deprived for the last three days...it is a good day.  I do believe the Prozac has started to work as I have also lost my appetite.  When I went to Whole Foods for groceries I indulged myself and bought a natural sea sponge for the shower and a verbena scented aroma candle that smells amazing.  I ususally do not like scented candles as the scent is too strong.  This is a very light citrus smell.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.
-Kenji Miyazawa

A bit of spiritual Feng Shui

I will be getting my first tattoo on Monday.  I want something symbolic of this phase of my journey...to help me heal.  I will be getting a mirror, in the mirror a set of eyes, with tears...to reflect, that the eyes are the mirror of the soul.  I will be getting it on my back, facing away from me...to reflect,  like the tattoo, this will  always be part of my journey yet this part of the journey is behind me.

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours.  And if they don't they never were. 
-Kahil Gibran

With in the last couple of weeks, my life as I knew it...ceased to exist.  The man that I had lived with, for 18 out of our 23 years together...also lived with another woman at the same time he was living with me.  Twenty three years of my life was stolen from me.  When I found out...I imploded emotionally in full impact.  If I had not gotten help, I do not know if I would be here today. I am sharing my most intimate thoughts...as I journaled them in the hospital.  I started writing on day four of a two week stay.  Most is very raw.  I am sharing this in hopes that if there is another woman going through the same thing...she should know that she is not alone. 

Aug. 31
I have imploded into many, many pieces oozing of betrayal, deceit, lies.  My spirit is broken beyond repair and the rawest of emotions keep me paralyzed.   This is my pain and I don't want to let go of it.  For all that I feel non of it is anger.  For if I get angry...then I will stop loving you and I do so love you.  Why I still do I do not know.  I think that is the one thing you can not steal from me.  The one thing that is pure and not tainted by the deceits, lies and betrayal.

I have lost control of my life and I feel like I am falling down the rabbit hole.  I have no clarity for this immeasurable pain seeps thru my every pore and keeps me paralyzed.  For I know if I let go of this pain...I let go of you and I am not at that place yet.  For to let go would mean to let go of how much I still love you and that is all in my life that I know for sure.  You were always my rock and  sanity in my life...now you are this mess which is my insanity.

I struggle to make sense of the betrayal that you felt my life should be.
I struggle to put one foot in front of the other. 
I struggle to find clarity in my life. 
I struggle with the whys. 
I struggle with answers that make no sense. 
I struggle with not caring about my life. 
I struggle with a pain that can not be measured. 
I struggle with still loving you as much as I struggle with knowing I have lived 23 years of lies and betrayal. 

Its my first day medicated and I am numb.  My emotions have gone from one extreme to another in less than 12 hours.  I feel very little and I think it is as bad as raw emotions...for the pain I feel hasn't gone away...it is now just seeping below the surface.  I am hurting myself, like those who cut themselves.  It is painful but brings a relief from the emotional pain that is festering like a open wound.  When I look at my arms raw with scratches...I see my pain.  I not only feel it but I now see it.  I rub my arms gently as a way to soothe the pain.  Just as hurting myself brings relief...so does gently rubbing the wounds.

Sept. 1
Slept until 3:30 to 4 a.m.  Even with the sleeping pill, I awake in the middle of the night...groggy but awake.  I am left suspended between 2 worlds...either numbed by medication with emotions still raw, just below the surface or a emotional mess, full of tears and a broken heart.  I am not despondent anymore.  I am just on a roller coaster of numbness and raw emotions with no normalcy in between.  The numbness with no emotions is just as emotionally uncomfortable as feeling everything.

My world is scattered in teeny tiny pieces.  What I know for sure that my spirit is so very broken and the emotional wounds run very deep.  I am still holding on so very tightly to my love for you and I am not willing or want to let go ...for reasons that I don't think I know.  I can not shut off what I feel even though you have.  Even with all the lies and betrayal...my love for you has not changed.  I don't even feel anger.  I am stuck... emotionally stuck.  I do not want to hear others talk badly of you.  I do not understand why I can not let go and thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.  I know I will have to  let go to move on.  I can rationally understand that...but I am not rational and that is so much easier said than done.  I know that letting go will release me...but for know I am stuck in a web of pain that goes to my very core.

Today will be the first day since Sunday that I will filter in strands of a life interrupted.  I will shower this morning and I will attempt to eat for the first time.  This grogginess clouds my mind, more that usual.  I pray for clarity and I know I will once again have it back...I just don't know when.  Clarity and normalcy walk hand in hand.

My sister thinks by not asking you to call me is doing the right thing.  This is my life and I am so very angry...but not at you, at her.  She is crossing boundaries, she has no business crossing...again as always.

This is my life and it is in shambles.  The one thing no one and I mean no one can take away from me is how much I love you.  This is mine, it is sacred, it is pure, it is not tainted by lies or betrayal.  It is how I feel and no one can take that away from or keep that from me...like everything else in my life has been taken away from me.

When you are on a emotional slippery slope, trying to grasp, trying to hold on....every time you lose your grasp...the tiniest of emotional respite is welcome.  Today I felt the warmth of the shower for the first time in 4 days.  It was a uneasy comfort but never the less comforting.  I smelled coffee this morning and for some reason it evoked a bit of normal in my very insane world.  It was a good smell.

Medication makes me tired and sleepy.  It has become my emotional respite from being left alone in my own mind.  When I sleep I don't dream.  When I am awake my mind becomes a dangerous to me place.  It is a place where I am left in a mind of repeating thoughts.  My pain fills my thoughts.  As the drugs takes effect, my mind becomes thoughts of no rhyme or reason, like a bowl full of mush.  This is the lesser of two evils, to have my emotions slip away to sleep.

What I want to listen to is the song by Mary J. Blige...No More Drama.  It reaches to my core and fills every part of my soul when I hear it.
No more drama
No more tears
No more pain
No more pain
No more pain
It is  how I feel and it keeps repeating in my head over and over again.

I was awoken at 3:30 p.m. for a EKG.  My heart is so very broke, nothing that a EKG can tell.  I have no track of time in here unless I ask or look at the clock at the nurses station.  Hours are melting into days and days into weeks, but my mind is stuck on words and pain.

They have a activities director who has stopped by 2 days in a row.  Yesterday she wanted to know if I wanted a list of the activities.  I told her that I am not on a cruise ship...that I just had a emotional melt down.  Cruise ships and psychiatric hospitals both attempt to keep you busy.  One so you have a good time and the other to keep your mind busy.

How can you rest when your door is being opened every 30 minutes, so someone can check on you...and then the door closes as loudly as it opened.  When I lie down a song from Shannan's Ipod keeps playing over and over in my head, over and over again.  I don't hear voices....I hear songs.  There are patients who constantly pace the hallways, back and forth past my door....over and over and over again.  Its never ending.  I am afraid of being left alone in my own head and the mental illness that surrounds me that by the time I leave here....I will be oh so close to being one of them.

I know when I leave here the path of emotional unhealthy destruction shall continue down a spiral downward of a  different path.  The pain will continue to seep out in unhealthy ways. I will never be able to trust another man again.  I will never allow another man to have my trust or loyalty.  I will never give of myself in any way again.  What I will allow my self to do is to have noncommittal sex, whether it be one night stands or  friends with benefits.  I am not searching for anything other than numbing this pain...for I fear will be with me for as long as the deception was.

It saddens me that in the 54 years that is my life...this is what it amounts to.  I never dreamed of what I wanted for my life but I know that if I would have dreamed....I would never have imagined this.

I am surrounded by one who exposes himself the ones who talk to themselves, the one who talks to himself about Jesus, the ones who hear voices and the violent outbursts and the never ending parade of those who pace the hallways.  I pray for my sanity in this very insane place.

Sept. 2
I don't now why when you first had these feelings 3 years ago that had changed.  Why you didn't talk to me.  We could have worked thru whatever you were feeling...what ever the issue was.  I am angry that you made a decision that affected my life without consulting me.  When you took that job up there you never gave us a chance.  I am so fucking angry about this decision, beyond angry. 

I now see all the little changes that now make sense.  Sex was always good for us or maybe now...just for me.  I now know that over the last 2 years, it wasn't that the sex turned bad as I had thought.  It was that your heart wasn't there.  I loved you more than life itself and I am struggling so very hard to hold on to that.  I thought I knew the reason why.  How can I be so angry at a decision you made but not at you.  Why will I not allow myself to be angry at you.  I am struggling to hold on to something I need to let go of.

When I think of the last couple of years and now look back.  I see the times that you were more distant, more disconnected from me than usual.  Now you have abandoned me in a heartbeat of time. You wont return my calls.  You have disconnected to the point I feel that you are so disgusted, repulsed by me. It cant be any worse as I feel these things about myself.  I continue to struggle.  Struggle to stop feeling how much I love you.  I cant release myself from something that makes me loathe myself at this moment in time.  I know I could have been a better partner.

In just one moment in time your life can change in a heartbeat.  Your world can be ripped from beneath your feet.  My heart is still imploding and I feel as though I am losing myself.  Betrayal, lies, deceit...these are words I despise.  Commitment, loyalty, trust, faithfulness...this is what my life was and now it is not.  I have lost a part of me...the betrayal, lies and deceit have eaten away at my spirit, like a maggot eating flesh.  The committed, loyal, trusting, faith full part of me has melted and washed away like a wave at the shore.  I am so very lost.  So deep in a forest that I will never be found again.

I want to be medicated into a mindless stupor...where all I can do is fall asleep...so that I stop feeling...don't feel...feel less pain.  I don't know whether I am coming or going.  I lose track of time.  Sometimes I get disoriented in which way I am going.  My mind is a warm bowl of mush and I so very much want to sleep. 

Why wasn't I good enough.  Why did you have the need to look elsewhere.  This betrayal I don't understand.  This is the betrayal that reaches to my very core.  I wish you could understand the depth of this pain...for if you did you never would have betrayed me.  You were the one who I thought would always protect me and would never let anyone ever hurt me.  You were my security and you were the one who stuck the knife in me and destroyed me. 

What everyone tells me time will heal.  I don't think anyone understands that time will not heal me.  Part of me died a week ago and I am changed forever.  The only way I will survive this emotional devastation is to numb the pain...while putting one foot in front of the other.  I want to drink and I want to get lost in sexual relationships that are not relationships...but just one night of many nights, just one night of totally losing myself in the moment....where there is no connection of the heart or soul but only 2 bodies connecting.  I see no other way to numb this pain and maybe in a way I am punishing myself.   But this is my destiny.

Sept. 3
There are minutes when I am okay and then there are others where tears flow down my cheeks, no crying just a silent flow of tears. 
Tears of abandonment
Tears of not being able to understand the betrayal
Tears of knowing you no longer want or desire me
Tears of knowing you no longer want to make love to me
Tears of knowing you desire another woman
Tears of knowing you will no longer be there for me
Tears of knowing that I am alone.

The deepest pain that keeps eating away at me is that you cheated, that you gave that part of yourself to another woman.  Something that you knew was so sacred to me...yet to you was nothing.  I don't know how you could, would do something that you know would hurt and destroy me.  I could have been able to deal with anything but this.  And to know that it is more than a mere lapse in judgement...but deceit of 18 years.  I wish you could see the pain in my eyes...the pain that I wear on my fore arms...the wounds that are red and ugly like the pain in my heart.

How do you hurt, destroy someone you say you cared about.  Will you ever understand the depth of this pain you have created and left me alone to deal with...as though you were never part of my life.  I am still forever broken and abandoned.

It was a rough morning overcome with thoughts and emotions that continue to overwhelm me.  I will never heal for the enormity of this mess you have created and placed upon me.  I feel like I am losing myself more in this place than I already am.  Mental illness surrounds me and I feel like I am still spinning out of control below the surface.

I did go out and sit in the sun this afternoon.  The warmth of the sun enveloped my body like a warm blanket...if only it would envelop my spirit.

Sept. 4
It has been a week since I fell into this deep dark hole of despair.  A hole so dark with out a spark of light.  Much is a blur of the first few days.  The only thing that is clear is that I knew how much trouble I was in.  The only clarity I had is that I was spiraling downward and I needed help.  The only thing I had clarity on was the immeasurable pain.  I was beyond devastation that reached to my very core and filled my every pore.  The only clarity I had was that my spirit is so very broken.  One week later and I am still so very broken like one of those jig saw puzzles with 1000 pieces. 

This sleeping pill does not help.  It takes hours to fall asleep and I am up at 4 a.m.  I am still not angry at you...your choices yes....you no.  I know that you are not the person who hurt me.  I will hold on to my love for you because that is all I am left with.  Everything else I have been robbed of.   This love no one can take away from me. 

This morning when I washed my face was the first time in a long time that I took a long look at myself.  I have been so disconnected that when I looked in the mirror...it was as though I was looking right through me.  All I saw was the physical pain I had inflicted upon myself. 
When I now look in the mirror...
I see a woman who's spirit is so very broken...broken beyond repair
I see a woman who is changed forever in a way that no time can heal
I see a woman who's sadness is now the mirror of her soul
I see a woman who grieves the loss of her best friend
I see a woman who crys silent tears for a life no more
I see a woman that I do not know

Sept. 5
Yesterday I was having chest pains all day.  The anxiety pill lessened them a bit but they were ever so present all day.  The girls came to visit yesterday.  I thought they were coming in the afternoon but no one showed up.  The chest pain worsened.  They showed up in the evening.  I miss them so.  We are all we have now and forever.  I asked Sarah if you had asked about me and she said no.  I feel abandoned.  I was discarded like a piece of garbage with out a afterthought.

When I went to get my medication...the radio was playing.  Hearing music filled me...as I miss it so much. It was like the feeling when I went outside for the first time in so long and the sunshine warmed my face.
No music here...only the sounds of the mentally ill.

The more I think about what I have found out the more I curl up in a fetal position.   You told me you didn't go to Keith's wedding.  You never found the time to spend with me yet you took her to his wedding and she told your older children that she was going to be their step mother.  You have taken her to Alabama where she has told all your brothers and sisters that she is going to be the next Mrs Holifield.  Maybe this is what your sister was talking about when you drove a truck up there one Christmas...when we lived in Los Alamitos and Shannon Russell called up there because I hadn't heard from you and your sister had said you had left with your wife.

Sean did not know we were together.  Nobody knew.  I was just your dirty little mistake.  I am your regrets of everything you have not done.

You always told me that if you thought about cheating than you had cheated.  You always told me that you never put yourself in situations you had no business being in.  You always told me that you respected your self too much to cheat and why be in a relationship if you are going to cheat.  She told me that you made the first move and went after her.  I trusted you and believed in you with every part of my being.
And you lied to me
And you betrayed me
And you deceived me
And I don't know why

Sept. 6
Little by little things are making a bit of sense.  For over a year maybe two...when we had sex something was different.  The only way I could describe it at the time was just bad sex.   Something was different in the way you made love to me,  that I just couldn't put my finger on at the time.  Now I know that you were just going thru the motions.  You were or already had disconnected your self from me.  We used to connect mind, body and spirit.  I used to believe when we made love were were so connected that we became one.  Now everything that was has washed away like a wave on the shore.  My heart aches for so much loss and you have walked away as though you were never here.  I gave you 23 years of commitment of the purest form and all I got were lies and betrayal.

I know to reclaim my life I must first let go of you...but I still and will always love you.  I don't know how to stop loving you.

Sept. 7
I have realized that I have been harder on myself than I have on you.  I lost my voice...it became entangled, strangled in my pain.   The anger that I didn't feel I unleashed on myself.   I am forever emotionally scared by this.  I don't know if I will ever be emotionally healthy again.  I will continue to try to ease this pain by self medicating. I will never go into a sexual relationship with a open heart.  The relationship part of sexual relationship will non exist.  I see many meaningless sexual encounters as the only way I can ease this empty need I have.  I do not know this woman I have become but she is all that is left of me. 

Just as I have to grieve my loss with you...I must also grieve for the loss of the part of me that is changed forever.  A life time has passed in just 11 days.  The physical wounds have begun to heal.  The scars will always be a reminder of the inner pain that will not heal.  I always knew in the back of my mind that when the kids were all grown you would be gone.  I just didn't understand the devastation of the impact back then.

Sept. 8
Your phone call sent me into a tailspin of emotion.  Angry for the lack of answers and your unwillingness to avoid answering.  The abundance of continuous deceit.  When I hung up my mind was in a tornado of raw emotion to the place I was in when I first went to the hospital.  I had to be held down by 8 men and sedated for in the mist of trying to comfort myself....I started once again to hurt myself.

The infidelity broke my spirit.  The fact that 3 years ago when you first decided you were not happy broke my heart into unrecognizable pieces.  You never gave us a chance to fix what was wrong.  The miles between us destroyed what little we had.  How unvalued I feel for I wasn't even worth trying to heal what was broken.  You walked away and never looked back.

Sept. 9 
I now know that the last couple of years you were hoping I would call it quits first...so you could walk away with a clear conscience.   What you didn't understand is how  committed to you and to what I thought we had.   For me it was that once in a life time love affair that I thought nothing could tear apart.  For my love for you has always been as deep as the ocean and as high as the sky.  In your eyes I was not the one who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.  In my eyes no one will ever love you more than I do.

I just couldn't resist

I can only hope, that I shall have a green thumb...when it comes time to harvesting the first vegetables, out of my tiny container garden. 

For this lovely english market basket will hold what ever my garden grows.

What's in the box

I have just recently figured out how to upload pictures and now for some reason unbeknown  to me...the computer won't upload them anymore.  A bit frustrating to say the least.  Yesterday was a another amazing box.  While I was at the farm stand I purchased one red maui onion.  These onions are like no other I have ever had.

wildfire salad mix
carrots
celery
yellow wax beans
5 fuji apples
5 tangelos
3 ears white corn
japanese turnips
snow peas
green cauliflower
homemade strawberry jam

A treasure of links...

for natural and organic food and more. 

A bit of advertising nostalgia



Vintage Ad Browser

Where did the time go

Time has not stood still as these photos have. 

For even though it seems like only yesterday, 

that these photos were taken.

 They are all grown up now...

for they are 22, 24, 26 and 31 years old.

Though I often remind my youngest,

 that although she is not a baby anymore...

she will always and forever be my baby.

Oh the places you'll go...

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!
--Dr. Suess


There are days in ones life, where life can get no better.  This was one of those days.  A day to cherish the moment and to embrace the amazing young woman she has become.



How very blessed I am to be her mama.

A stroll through a farmers market...

and a vintage market basket...to hold ones amazing finds.
French Garden House

Just a window shopping...

over at Retro Redheads.
This vintage 1930s table cloth caught my eye. I can so envision this on my table with all of its vintage green loveliness.

Vintage fired-on green coffee canister...stunning

Vintage fired-on juice glasses

Vintage flour shaker

Vintage chic

There are times when I come across something and I think its okay, sort of like it, not sure, nope wouldn't buy it.


This would not be one of those times. This is so exquisite and I can envision this on a corner of my dresser.

These are a few of my favorite things

milk glass, enamelware and jadeite

A corner in my patio

So far so good

Its been around a week since I first hung this cilantro to dry and it is comming right along. No moisture left. This weeks CSA box had basil. To dry that I have a cotton mesh produce bag, I will dry it in...and we will see how that works out.

CSA box

Today started out chilly, windy and rainy. It is also the every other Tuesday that I pick up my CSA box. Love the weather...love Tuesday pick up days even more.

I am full of anticipation as I drive over to pick up my box. Anticipation changes to pure bliss as I first open the box and am met with a amazing aroma.

Another amazing box of romaine lettuce, kale,

four zucchini, a maui onion, basil, a bunch of carrots and beets.

Two grapefruit, 4 Pink Lady apples, strawberries

and sugar snap peas.

Abundance of gratitude

for Tuesday
To keep me grounded is to remind myself of what is truly important; gratitude for the simple things.

Today I am grateful for
...this blessed Saturday coming and all it brings. For this will be a day of a college graduation, celebration, family and for this proud mama...a day of immense gratitude.

First there were the wild parrots

Last year I was left in awe, with the sight of wild parrots that would captivate me each time they flew overhead. There have been no sightings for a few months.

What has appeared now on the grass in front of my apartment...two ducks. The one pictured and a brown one. They come in the late afternoon and what a lovely sight it is. The same two ducks each day...though today he brought a different duck with him, one that looks exactly like him.

I live in a major city in So. CA, with a population of over 200,000...so to have any semblance of wildlife in my own backyard is truly a blessing.