With in the last couple of weeks, my life as I knew it...ceased to exist. The man that I had lived with, for 18 out of our 23 years together...also lived with another woman at the same time he was living with me. Twenty three years of my life was stolen from me. When I found out...I imploded emotionally in full impact. If I had not gotten help, I do not know if I would be here today. I am sharing my most intimate thoughts...as I journaled them in the hospital. I started writing on day four of a two week stay. Most is very raw. I am sharing this in hopes that if there is another woman going through the same thing...she should know that she is not alone.
Aug. 31
I have imploded into many, many pieces oozing of betrayal, deceit, lies. My spirit is broken beyond repair and the rawest of emotions keep me paralyzed. This is my pain and I don't want to let go of it. For all that I feel non of it is anger. For if I get angry...then I will stop loving you and I do so love you. Why I still do I do not know. I think that is the one thing you can not steal from me. The one thing that is pure and not tainted by the deceits, lies and betrayal.
I have lost control of my life and I feel like I am falling down the rabbit hole. I have no clarity for this immeasurable pain seeps thru my every pore and keeps me paralyzed. For I know if I let go of this pain...I let go of you and I am not at that place yet. For to let go would mean to let go of how much I still love you and that is all in my life that I know for sure. You were always my rock and sanity in my life...now you are this mess which is my insanity.
I struggle to make sense of the betrayal that you felt my life should be.
I struggle to put one foot in front of the other.
I struggle to find clarity in my life.
I struggle with the whys.
I struggle with answers that make no sense.
I struggle with not caring about my life.
I struggle with a pain that can not be measured.
I struggle with still loving you as much as I struggle with knowing I have lived 23 years of lies and betrayal.
Its my first day medicated and I am numb. My emotions have gone from one extreme to another in less than 12 hours. I feel very little and I think it is as bad as raw emotions...for the pain I feel hasn't gone away...it is now just seeping below the surface. I am hurting myself, like those who cut themselves. It is painful but brings a relief from the emotional pain that is festering like a open wound. When I look at my arms raw with scratches...I see my pain. I not only feel it but I now see it. I rub my arms gently as a way to soothe the pain. Just as hurting myself brings relief...so does gently rubbing the wounds.
Sept. 1
Slept until 3:30 to 4 a.m. Even with the sleeping pill, I awake in the middle of the night...groggy but awake. I am left suspended between 2 worlds...either numbed by medication with emotions still raw, just below the surface or a emotional mess, full of tears and a broken heart. I am not despondent anymore. I am just on a roller coaster of numbness and raw emotions with no normalcy in between. The numbness with no emotions is just as emotionally uncomfortable as feeling everything.
My world is scattered in teeny tiny pieces. What I know for sure that my spirit is so very broken and the emotional wounds run very deep. I am still holding on so very tightly to my love for you and I am not willing or want to let go ...for reasons that I don't think I know. I can not shut off what I feel even though you have. Even with all the lies and betrayal...my love for you has not changed. I don't even feel anger. I am stuck... emotionally stuck. I do not want to hear others talk badly of you. I do not understand why I can not let go and thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I know I will have to let go to move on. I can rationally understand that...but I am not rational and that is so much easier said than done. I know that letting go will release me...but for know I am stuck in a web of pain that goes to my very core.
Today will be the first day since Sunday that I will filter in strands of a life interrupted. I will shower this morning and I will attempt to eat for the first time. This grogginess clouds my mind, more that usual. I pray for clarity and I know I will once again have it back...I just don't know when. Clarity and normalcy walk hand in hand.
My sister thinks by not asking you to call me is doing the right thing. This is my life and I am so very angry...but not at you, at her. She is crossing boundaries, she has no business crossing...again as always.
This is my life and it is in shambles. The one thing no one and I mean no one can take away from me is how much I love you. This is mine, it is sacred, it is pure, it is not tainted by lies or betrayal. It is how I feel and no one can take that away from or keep that from me...like everything else in my life has been taken away from me.
When you are on a emotional slippery slope, trying to grasp, trying to hold on....every time you lose your grasp...the tiniest of emotional respite is welcome. Today I felt the warmth of the shower for the first time in 4 days. It was a uneasy comfort but never the less comforting. I smelled coffee this morning and for some reason it evoked a bit of normal in my very insane world. It was a good smell.
Medication makes me tired and sleepy. It has become my emotional respite from being left alone in my own mind. When I sleep I don't dream. When I am awake my mind becomes a dangerous to me place. It is a place where I am left in a mind of repeating thoughts. My pain fills my thoughts. As the drugs takes effect, my mind becomes thoughts of no rhyme or reason, like a bowl full of mush. This is the lesser of two evils, to have my emotions slip away to sleep.
What I want to listen to is the song by Mary J. Blige...No More Drama. It reaches to my core and fills every part of my soul when I hear it.
No more drama
No more tears
No more pain
No more pain
No more pain
It is how I feel and it keeps repeating in my head over and over again.
I was awoken at 3:30 p.m. for a EKG. My heart is so very broke, nothing that a EKG can tell. I have no track of time in here unless I ask or look at the clock at the nurses station. Hours are melting into days and days into weeks, but my mind is stuck on words and pain.
They have a activities director who has stopped by 2 days in a row. Yesterday she wanted to know if I wanted a list of the activities. I told her that I am not on a cruise ship...that I just had a emotional melt down. Cruise ships and psychiatric hospitals both attempt to keep you busy. One so you have a good time and the other to keep your mind busy.
How can you rest when your door is being opened every 30 minutes, so someone can check on you...and then the door closes as loudly as it opened. When I lie down a song from Shannan's Ipod keeps playing over and over in my head, over and over again. I don't hear voices....I hear songs. There are patients who constantly pace the hallways, back and forth past my door....over and over and over again. Its never ending. I am afraid of being left alone in my own head and the mental illness that surrounds me that by the time I leave here....I will be oh so close to being one of them.
I know when I leave here the path of emotional unhealthy destruction shall continue down a spiral downward of a different path. The pain will continue to seep out in unhealthy ways. I will never be able to trust another man again. I will never allow another man to have my trust or loyalty. I will never give of myself in any way again. What I will allow my self to do is to have noncommittal sex, whether it be one night stands or friends with benefits. I am not searching for anything other than numbing this pain...for I fear will be with me for as long as the deception was.
It saddens me that in the 54 years that is my life...this is what it amounts to. I never dreamed of what I wanted for my life but I know that if I would have dreamed....I would never have imagined this.
I am surrounded by one who exposes himself the ones who talk to themselves, the one who talks to himself about Jesus, the ones who hear voices and the violent outbursts and the never ending parade of those who pace the hallways. I pray for my sanity in this very insane place.
Sept. 2
I don't now why when you first had these feelings 3 years ago that had changed. Why you didn't talk to me. We could have worked thru whatever you were feeling...what ever the issue was. I am angry that you made a decision that affected my life without consulting me. When you took that job up there you never gave us a chance. I am so fucking angry about this decision, beyond angry.
I now see all the little changes that now make sense. Sex was always good for us or maybe now...just for me. I now know that over the last 2 years, it wasn't that the sex turned bad as I had thought. It was that your heart wasn't there. I loved you more than life itself and I am struggling so very hard to hold on to that. I thought I knew the reason why. How can I be so angry at a decision you made but not at you. Why will I not allow myself to be angry at you. I am struggling to hold on to something I need to let go of.
When I think of the last couple of years and now look back. I see the times that you were more distant, more disconnected from me than usual. Now you have abandoned me in a heartbeat of time. You wont return my calls. You have disconnected to the point I feel that you are so disgusted, repulsed by me. It cant be any worse as I feel these things about myself. I continue to struggle. Struggle to stop feeling how much I love you. I cant release myself from something that makes me loathe myself at this moment in time. I know I could have been a better partner.
In just one moment in time your life can change in a heartbeat. Your world can be ripped from beneath your feet. My heart is still imploding and I feel as though I am losing myself. Betrayal, lies, deceit...these are words I despise. Commitment, loyalty, trust, faithfulness...this is what my life was and now it is not. I have lost a part of me...the betrayal, lies and deceit have eaten away at my spirit, like a maggot eating flesh. The committed, loyal, trusting, faith full part of me has melted and washed away like a wave at the shore. I am so very lost. So deep in a forest that I will never be found again.
I want to be medicated into a mindless stupor...where all I can do is fall asleep...so that I stop feeling...don't feel...feel less pain. I don't know whether I am coming or going. I lose track of time. Sometimes I get disoriented in which way I am going. My mind is a warm bowl of mush and I so very much want to sleep.
Why wasn't I good enough. Why did you have the need to look elsewhere. This betrayal I don't understand. This is the betrayal that reaches to my very core. I wish you could understand the depth of this pain...for if you did you never would have betrayed me. You were the one who I thought would always protect me and would never let anyone ever hurt me. You were my security and you were the one who stuck the knife in me and destroyed me.
What everyone tells me time will heal. I don't think anyone understands that time will not heal me. Part of me died a week ago and I am changed forever. The only way I will survive this emotional devastation is to numb the pain...while putting one foot in front of the other. I want to drink and I want to get lost in sexual relationships that are not relationships...but just one night of many nights, just one night of totally losing myself in the moment....where there is no connection of the heart or soul but only 2 bodies connecting. I see no other way to numb this pain and maybe in a way I am punishing myself. But this is my destiny.
Sept. 3
There are minutes when I am okay and then there are others where tears flow down my cheeks, no crying just a silent flow of tears.
Tears of abandonment
Tears of not being able to understand the betrayal
Tears of knowing you no longer want or desire me
Tears of knowing you no longer want to make love to me
Tears of knowing you desire another woman
Tears of knowing you will no longer be there for me
Tears of knowing that I am alone.
The deepest pain that keeps eating away at me is that you cheated, that you gave that part of yourself to another woman. Something that you knew was so sacred to me...yet to you was nothing. I don't know how you could, would do something that you know would hurt and destroy me. I could have been able to deal with anything but this. And to know that it is more than a mere lapse in judgement...but deceit of 18 years. I wish you could see the pain in my eyes...the pain that I wear on my fore arms...the wounds that are red and ugly like the pain in my heart.
How do you hurt, destroy someone you say you cared about. Will you ever understand the depth of this pain you have created and left me alone to deal with...as though you were never part of my life. I am still forever broken and abandoned.
It was a rough morning overcome with thoughts and emotions that continue to overwhelm me. I will never heal for the enormity of this mess you have created and placed upon me. I feel like I am losing myself more in this place than I already am. Mental illness surrounds me and I feel like I am still spinning out of control below the surface.
I did go out and sit in the sun this afternoon. The warmth of the sun enveloped my body like a warm blanket...if only it would envelop my spirit.
Sept. 4
It has been a week since I fell into this deep dark hole of despair. A hole so dark with out a spark of light. Much is a blur of the first few days. The only thing that is clear is that I knew how much trouble I was in. The only clarity I had is that I was spiraling downward and I needed help. The only thing I had clarity on was the immeasurable pain. I was beyond devastation that reached to my very core and filled my every pore. The only clarity I had was that my spirit is so very broken. One week later and I am still so very broken like one of those jig saw puzzles with 1000 pieces.
This sleeping pill does not help. It takes hours to fall asleep and I am up at 4 a.m. I am still not angry at you...your choices yes....you no. I know that you are not the person who hurt me. I will hold on to my love for you because that is all I am left with. Everything else I have been robbed of. This love no one can take away from me.
This morning when I washed my face was the first time in a long time that I took a long look at myself. I have been so disconnected that when I looked in the mirror...it was as though I was looking right through me. All I saw was the physical pain I had inflicted upon myself.
When I now look in the mirror...
I see a woman who's spirit is so very broken...broken beyond repair
I see a woman who is changed forever in a way that no time can heal
I see a woman who's sadness is now the mirror of her soul
I see a woman who grieves the loss of her best friend
I see a woman who crys silent tears for a life no more
I see a woman that I do not know
Sept. 5
Yesterday I was having chest pains all day. The anxiety pill lessened them a bit but they were ever so present all day. The girls came to visit yesterday. I thought they were coming in the afternoon but no one showed up. The chest pain worsened. They showed up in the evening. I miss them so. We are all we have now and forever. I asked Sarah if you had asked about me and she said no. I feel abandoned. I was discarded like a piece of garbage with out a afterthought.
When I went to get my medication...the radio was playing. Hearing music filled me...as I miss it so much. It was like the feeling when I went outside for the first time in so long and the sunshine warmed my face.
No music here...only the sounds of the mentally ill.
The more I think about what I have found out the more I curl up in a fetal position. You told me you didn't go to Keith's wedding. You never found the time to spend with me yet you took her to his wedding and she told your older children that she was going to be their step mother. You have taken her to Alabama where she has told all your brothers and sisters that she is going to be the next Mrs Holifield. Maybe this is what your sister was talking about when you drove a truck up there one Christmas...when we lived in Los Alamitos and Shannon Russell called up there because I hadn't heard from you and your sister had said you had left with your wife.
Sean did not know we were together. Nobody knew. I was just your dirty little mistake. I am your regrets of everything you have not done.
You always told me that if you thought about cheating than you had cheated. You always told me that you never put yourself in situations you had no business being in. You always told me that you respected your self too much to cheat and why be in a relationship if you are going to cheat. She told me that you made the first move and went after her. I trusted you and believed in you with every part of my being.
And you lied to me
And you betrayed me
And you deceived me
And I don't know why
Sept. 6
Little by little things are making a bit of sense. For over a year maybe two...when we had sex something was different. The only way I could describe it at the time was just bad sex. Something was different in the way you made love to me, that I just couldn't put my finger on at the time. Now I know that you were just going thru the motions. You were or already had disconnected your self from me. We used to connect mind, body and spirit. I used to believe when we made love were were so connected that we became one. Now everything that was has washed away like a wave on the shore. My heart aches for so much loss and you have walked away as though you were never here. I gave you 23 years of commitment of the purest form and all I got were lies and betrayal.
I know to reclaim my life I must first let go of you...but I still and will always love you. I don't know how to stop loving you.
Sept. 7
I have realized that I have been harder on myself than I have on you. I lost my voice...it became entangled, strangled in my pain. The anger that I didn't feel I unleashed on myself. I am forever emotionally scared by this. I don't know if I will ever be emotionally healthy again. I will continue to try to ease this pain by self medicating. I will never go into a sexual relationship with a open heart. The relationship part of sexual relationship will non exist. I see many meaningless sexual encounters as the only way I can ease this empty need I have. I do not know this woman I have become but she is all that is left of me.
Just as I have to grieve my loss with you...I must also grieve for the loss of the part of me that is changed forever. A life time has passed in just 11 days. The physical wounds have begun to heal. The scars will always be a reminder of the inner pain that will not heal. I always knew in the back of my mind that when the kids were all grown you would be gone. I just didn't understand the devastation of the impact back then.
Sept. 8
Your phone call sent me into a tailspin of emotion. Angry for the lack of answers and your unwillingness to avoid answering. The abundance of continuous deceit. When I hung up my mind was in a tornado of raw emotion to the place I was in when I first went to the hospital. I had to be held down by 8 men and sedated for in the mist of trying to comfort myself....I started once again to hurt myself.
The infidelity broke my spirit. The fact that 3 years ago when you first decided you were not happy broke my heart into unrecognizable pieces. You never gave us a chance to fix what was wrong. The miles between us destroyed what little we had. How unvalued I feel for I wasn't even worth trying to heal what was broken. You walked away and never looked back.
Sept. 9
I now know that the last couple of years you were hoping I would call it quits first...so you could walk away with a clear conscience. What you didn't understand is how committed to you and to what I thought we had. For me it was that once in a life time love affair that I thought nothing could tear apart. For my love for you has always been as deep as the ocean and as high as the sky. In your eyes I was not the one who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. In my eyes no one will ever love you more than I do.
I have imploded into many, many pieces oozing of betrayal, deceit, lies. My spirit is broken beyond repair and the rawest of emotions keep me paralyzed. This is my pain and I don't want to let go of it. For all that I feel non of it is anger. For if I get angry...then I will stop loving you and I do so love you. Why I still do I do not know. I think that is the one thing you can not steal from me. The one thing that is pure and not tainted by the deceits, lies and betrayal.
I have lost control of my life and I feel like I am falling down the rabbit hole. I have no clarity for this immeasurable pain seeps thru my every pore and keeps me paralyzed. For I know if I let go of this pain...I let go of you and I am not at that place yet. For to let go would mean to let go of how much I still love you and that is all in my life that I know for sure. You were always my rock and sanity in my life...now you are this mess which is my insanity.
I struggle to make sense of the betrayal that you felt my life should be.
I struggle to put one foot in front of the other.
I struggle to find clarity in my life.
I struggle with the whys.
I struggle with answers that make no sense.
I struggle with not caring about my life.
I struggle with a pain that can not be measured.
I struggle with still loving you as much as I struggle with knowing I have lived 23 years of lies and betrayal.
Its my first day medicated and I am numb. My emotions have gone from one extreme to another in less than 12 hours. I feel very little and I think it is as bad as raw emotions...for the pain I feel hasn't gone away...it is now just seeping below the surface. I am hurting myself, like those who cut themselves. It is painful but brings a relief from the emotional pain that is festering like a open wound. When I look at my arms raw with scratches...I see my pain. I not only feel it but I now see it. I rub my arms gently as a way to soothe the pain. Just as hurting myself brings relief...so does gently rubbing the wounds.
Sept. 1
Slept until 3:30 to 4 a.m. Even with the sleeping pill, I awake in the middle of the night...groggy but awake. I am left suspended between 2 worlds...either numbed by medication with emotions still raw, just below the surface or a emotional mess, full of tears and a broken heart. I am not despondent anymore. I am just on a roller coaster of numbness and raw emotions with no normalcy in between. The numbness with no emotions is just as emotionally uncomfortable as feeling everything.
My world is scattered in teeny tiny pieces. What I know for sure that my spirit is so very broken and the emotional wounds run very deep. I am still holding on so very tightly to my love for you and I am not willing or want to let go ...for reasons that I don't think I know. I can not shut off what I feel even though you have. Even with all the lies and betrayal...my love for you has not changed. I don't even feel anger. I am stuck... emotionally stuck. I do not want to hear others talk badly of you. I do not understand why I can not let go and thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I know I will have to let go to move on. I can rationally understand that...but I am not rational and that is so much easier said than done. I know that letting go will release me...but for know I am stuck in a web of pain that goes to my very core.
Today will be the first day since Sunday that I will filter in strands of a life interrupted. I will shower this morning and I will attempt to eat for the first time. This grogginess clouds my mind, more that usual. I pray for clarity and I know I will once again have it back...I just don't know when. Clarity and normalcy walk hand in hand.
My sister thinks by not asking you to call me is doing the right thing. This is my life and I am so very angry...but not at you, at her. She is crossing boundaries, she has no business crossing...again as always.
This is my life and it is in shambles. The one thing no one and I mean no one can take away from me is how much I love you. This is mine, it is sacred, it is pure, it is not tainted by lies or betrayal. It is how I feel and no one can take that away from or keep that from me...like everything else in my life has been taken away from me.
When you are on a emotional slippery slope, trying to grasp, trying to hold on....every time you lose your grasp...the tiniest of emotional respite is welcome. Today I felt the warmth of the shower for the first time in 4 days. It was a uneasy comfort but never the less comforting. I smelled coffee this morning and for some reason it evoked a bit of normal in my very insane world. It was a good smell.
Medication makes me tired and sleepy. It has become my emotional respite from being left alone in my own mind. When I sleep I don't dream. When I am awake my mind becomes a dangerous to me place. It is a place where I am left in a mind of repeating thoughts. My pain fills my thoughts. As the drugs takes effect, my mind becomes thoughts of no rhyme or reason, like a bowl full of mush. This is the lesser of two evils, to have my emotions slip away to sleep.
What I want to listen to is the song by Mary J. Blige...No More Drama. It reaches to my core and fills every part of my soul when I hear it.
No more drama
No more tears
No more pain
No more pain
No more pain
It is how I feel and it keeps repeating in my head over and over again.
I was awoken at 3:30 p.m. for a EKG. My heart is so very broke, nothing that a EKG can tell. I have no track of time in here unless I ask or look at the clock at the nurses station. Hours are melting into days and days into weeks, but my mind is stuck on words and pain.
They have a activities director who has stopped by 2 days in a row. Yesterday she wanted to know if I wanted a list of the activities. I told her that I am not on a cruise ship...that I just had a emotional melt down. Cruise ships and psychiatric hospitals both attempt to keep you busy. One so you have a good time and the other to keep your mind busy.
How can you rest when your door is being opened every 30 minutes, so someone can check on you...and then the door closes as loudly as it opened. When I lie down a song from Shannan's Ipod keeps playing over and over in my head, over and over again. I don't hear voices....I hear songs. There are patients who constantly pace the hallways, back and forth past my door....over and over and over again. Its never ending. I am afraid of being left alone in my own head and the mental illness that surrounds me that by the time I leave here....I will be oh so close to being one of them.
I know when I leave here the path of emotional unhealthy destruction shall continue down a spiral downward of a different path. The pain will continue to seep out in unhealthy ways. I will never be able to trust another man again. I will never allow another man to have my trust or loyalty. I will never give of myself in any way again. What I will allow my self to do is to have noncommittal sex, whether it be one night stands or friends with benefits. I am not searching for anything other than numbing this pain...for I fear will be with me for as long as the deception was.
It saddens me that in the 54 years that is my life...this is what it amounts to. I never dreamed of what I wanted for my life but I know that if I would have dreamed....I would never have imagined this.
I am surrounded by one who exposes himself the ones who talk to themselves, the one who talks to himself about Jesus, the ones who hear voices and the violent outbursts and the never ending parade of those who pace the hallways. I pray for my sanity in this very insane place.
Sept. 2
I don't now why when you first had these feelings 3 years ago that had changed. Why you didn't talk to me. We could have worked thru whatever you were feeling...what ever the issue was. I am angry that you made a decision that affected my life without consulting me. When you took that job up there you never gave us a chance. I am so fucking angry about this decision, beyond angry.
I now see all the little changes that now make sense. Sex was always good for us or maybe now...just for me. I now know that over the last 2 years, it wasn't that the sex turned bad as I had thought. It was that your heart wasn't there. I loved you more than life itself and I am struggling so very hard to hold on to that. I thought I knew the reason why. How can I be so angry at a decision you made but not at you. Why will I not allow myself to be angry at you. I am struggling to hold on to something I need to let go of.
When I think of the last couple of years and now look back. I see the times that you were more distant, more disconnected from me than usual. Now you have abandoned me in a heartbeat of time. You wont return my calls. You have disconnected to the point I feel that you are so disgusted, repulsed by me. It cant be any worse as I feel these things about myself. I continue to struggle. Struggle to stop feeling how much I love you. I cant release myself from something that makes me loathe myself at this moment in time. I know I could have been a better partner.
In just one moment in time your life can change in a heartbeat. Your world can be ripped from beneath your feet. My heart is still imploding and I feel as though I am losing myself. Betrayal, lies, deceit...these are words I despise. Commitment, loyalty, trust, faithfulness...this is what my life was and now it is not. I have lost a part of me...the betrayal, lies and deceit have eaten away at my spirit, like a maggot eating flesh. The committed, loyal, trusting, faith full part of me has melted and washed away like a wave at the shore. I am so very lost. So deep in a forest that I will never be found again.
I want to be medicated into a mindless stupor...where all I can do is fall asleep...so that I stop feeling...don't feel...feel less pain. I don't know whether I am coming or going. I lose track of time. Sometimes I get disoriented in which way I am going. My mind is a warm bowl of mush and I so very much want to sleep.
Why wasn't I good enough. Why did you have the need to look elsewhere. This betrayal I don't understand. This is the betrayal that reaches to my very core. I wish you could understand the depth of this pain...for if you did you never would have betrayed me. You were the one who I thought would always protect me and would never let anyone ever hurt me. You were my security and you were the one who stuck the knife in me and destroyed me.
What everyone tells me time will heal. I don't think anyone understands that time will not heal me. Part of me died a week ago and I am changed forever. The only way I will survive this emotional devastation is to numb the pain...while putting one foot in front of the other. I want to drink and I want to get lost in sexual relationships that are not relationships...but just one night of many nights, just one night of totally losing myself in the moment....where there is no connection of the heart or soul but only 2 bodies connecting. I see no other way to numb this pain and maybe in a way I am punishing myself. But this is my destiny.
Sept. 3
There are minutes when I am okay and then there are others where tears flow down my cheeks, no crying just a silent flow of tears.
Tears of abandonment
Tears of not being able to understand the betrayal
Tears of knowing you no longer want or desire me
Tears of knowing you no longer want to make love to me
Tears of knowing you desire another woman
Tears of knowing you will no longer be there for me
Tears of knowing that I am alone.
The deepest pain that keeps eating away at me is that you cheated, that you gave that part of yourself to another woman. Something that you knew was so sacred to me...yet to you was nothing. I don't know how you could, would do something that you know would hurt and destroy me. I could have been able to deal with anything but this. And to know that it is more than a mere lapse in judgement...but deceit of 18 years. I wish you could see the pain in my eyes...the pain that I wear on my fore arms...the wounds that are red and ugly like the pain in my heart.
How do you hurt, destroy someone you say you cared about. Will you ever understand the depth of this pain you have created and left me alone to deal with...as though you were never part of my life. I am still forever broken and abandoned.
It was a rough morning overcome with thoughts and emotions that continue to overwhelm me. I will never heal for the enormity of this mess you have created and placed upon me. I feel like I am losing myself more in this place than I already am. Mental illness surrounds me and I feel like I am still spinning out of control below the surface.
I did go out and sit in the sun this afternoon. The warmth of the sun enveloped my body like a warm blanket...if only it would envelop my spirit.
Sept. 4
It has been a week since I fell into this deep dark hole of despair. A hole so dark with out a spark of light. Much is a blur of the first few days. The only thing that is clear is that I knew how much trouble I was in. The only clarity I had is that I was spiraling downward and I needed help. The only thing I had clarity on was the immeasurable pain. I was beyond devastation that reached to my very core and filled my every pore. The only clarity I had was that my spirit is so very broken. One week later and I am still so very broken like one of those jig saw puzzles with 1000 pieces.
This sleeping pill does not help. It takes hours to fall asleep and I am up at 4 a.m. I am still not angry at you...your choices yes....you no. I know that you are not the person who hurt me. I will hold on to my love for you because that is all I am left with. Everything else I have been robbed of. This love no one can take away from me.
This morning when I washed my face was the first time in a long time that I took a long look at myself. I have been so disconnected that when I looked in the mirror...it was as though I was looking right through me. All I saw was the physical pain I had inflicted upon myself.
When I now look in the mirror...
I see a woman who's spirit is so very broken...broken beyond repair
I see a woman who is changed forever in a way that no time can heal
I see a woman who's sadness is now the mirror of her soul
I see a woman who grieves the loss of her best friend
I see a woman who crys silent tears for a life no more
I see a woman that I do not know
Sept. 5
Yesterday I was having chest pains all day. The anxiety pill lessened them a bit but they were ever so present all day. The girls came to visit yesterday. I thought they were coming in the afternoon but no one showed up. The chest pain worsened. They showed up in the evening. I miss them so. We are all we have now and forever. I asked Sarah if you had asked about me and she said no. I feel abandoned. I was discarded like a piece of garbage with out a afterthought.
When I went to get my medication...the radio was playing. Hearing music filled me...as I miss it so much. It was like the feeling when I went outside for the first time in so long and the sunshine warmed my face.
No music here...only the sounds of the mentally ill.
The more I think about what I have found out the more I curl up in a fetal position. You told me you didn't go to Keith's wedding. You never found the time to spend with me yet you took her to his wedding and she told your older children that she was going to be their step mother. You have taken her to Alabama where she has told all your brothers and sisters that she is going to be the next Mrs Holifield. Maybe this is what your sister was talking about when you drove a truck up there one Christmas...when we lived in Los Alamitos and Shannon Russell called up there because I hadn't heard from you and your sister had said you had left with your wife.
Sean did not know we were together. Nobody knew. I was just your dirty little mistake. I am your regrets of everything you have not done.
You always told me that if you thought about cheating than you had cheated. You always told me that you never put yourself in situations you had no business being in. You always told me that you respected your self too much to cheat and why be in a relationship if you are going to cheat. She told me that you made the first move and went after her. I trusted you and believed in you with every part of my being.
And you lied to me
And you betrayed me
And you deceived me
And I don't know why
Sept. 6
Little by little things are making a bit of sense. For over a year maybe two...when we had sex something was different. The only way I could describe it at the time was just bad sex. Something was different in the way you made love to me, that I just couldn't put my finger on at the time. Now I know that you were just going thru the motions. You were or already had disconnected your self from me. We used to connect mind, body and spirit. I used to believe when we made love were were so connected that we became one. Now everything that was has washed away like a wave on the shore. My heart aches for so much loss and you have walked away as though you were never here. I gave you 23 years of commitment of the purest form and all I got were lies and betrayal.
I know to reclaim my life I must first let go of you...but I still and will always love you. I don't know how to stop loving you.
Sept. 7
I have realized that I have been harder on myself than I have on you. I lost my voice...it became entangled, strangled in my pain. The anger that I didn't feel I unleashed on myself. I am forever emotionally scared by this. I don't know if I will ever be emotionally healthy again. I will continue to try to ease this pain by self medicating. I will never go into a sexual relationship with a open heart. The relationship part of sexual relationship will non exist. I see many meaningless sexual encounters as the only way I can ease this empty need I have. I do not know this woman I have become but she is all that is left of me.
Just as I have to grieve my loss with you...I must also grieve for the loss of the part of me that is changed forever. A life time has passed in just 11 days. The physical wounds have begun to heal. The scars will always be a reminder of the inner pain that will not heal. I always knew in the back of my mind that when the kids were all grown you would be gone. I just didn't understand the devastation of the impact back then.
Sept. 8
Your phone call sent me into a tailspin of emotion. Angry for the lack of answers and your unwillingness to avoid answering. The abundance of continuous deceit. When I hung up my mind was in a tornado of raw emotion to the place I was in when I first went to the hospital. I had to be held down by 8 men and sedated for in the mist of trying to comfort myself....I started once again to hurt myself.
The infidelity broke my spirit. The fact that 3 years ago when you first decided you were not happy broke my heart into unrecognizable pieces. You never gave us a chance to fix what was wrong. The miles between us destroyed what little we had. How unvalued I feel for I wasn't even worth trying to heal what was broken. You walked away and never looked back.
Sept. 9
I now know that the last couple of years you were hoping I would call it quits first...so you could walk away with a clear conscience. What you didn't understand is how committed to you and to what I thought we had. For me it was that once in a life time love affair that I thought nothing could tear apart. For my love for you has always been as deep as the ocean and as high as the sky. In your eyes I was not the one who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. In my eyes no one will ever love you more than I do.
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