Life altering changes...

behold such enormous power.
They can change your life as you know it, in a heartbeat.
They can help you find what strength you possess and other times; they can emotionally put you in a fetal position.
They can bring clarity to cloudiness and then at times they bombard your being with so much stuff, that is hard to distinguish the forest from the trees.
They can make you question your faith and at times lose what faith you had.

I just woke up and there was a voicemail, for my follow up appt., next Wed. morning, Oct. 3rd. Not a good omen, considering that they called me last time on a Wed. to let me know I had cancer. Almost 2 years to the same date. Last time, Nov 9th 2005.

I have found hope. Its tiny, but it is hope. This is going to get me through until the pathology report is in.

I am reminded how precious my life is to me.

I called at 7:30 this morning to make a appt. and she said can you come in today. So I went to a 10:30 appt. The tech had the radiologist, look at the x-rays, and told me they wanted to do a ultrasound. The ultrasound tech, had the Dr. look at the ultrasound. He said they saw a shadow and they wanted to do a biopsy. Two and a half hours later, I am sent home; my fate in a petri dish. I now wait, for the pathology to come back.

What terrifies me is not being diagnosed with cancer again, or chemo or even losing a breast. The fear that emotionally paralyzes me is that if this is cancer, it will be a very advanced stage cancer.

I have a little more inner calmness at this moment. Honestly how long it will last, I don't know. Two years ago, when I was diagnosed, cancer was the furthest thing from what I had expected. Now hope is not a word I embrace. For me that would be looking at this situation in rose colored glasses. Reality does not come with rose colored glasses.

The waiting is the hardest part for me, not in a impatient way, though. From my experience last time, after diagnosis, things happened so quickly, it made my head spin.

Today I schedule a diagnostic mammogram.

I have been really tired. I am most positive stress plays a major part in that. I have a appt. tomorrow morning.

I picked my daughter up at school, then we picked up 2 pizzas. Comfort food at its best. What is better than pizza, but cold pizza for breakfast. After she is done with a little laundry. We are going to watch Gilmore Girls and hopefully laugh until it hurts. I could use some soul healing humor, tonight.

I am sitting here laughing to myself. Of course I have to find a lump, at the same time, I am a emotional mess, due to my hormones being totally out of control; due to the fact that I have started the journey, to menopause.

I have made the dreaded phone call, for a appt. I am just waiting for the nurse to call back, so I can get in today. For some reason I am having a moment of calmness and it feels so good. Just like after you get out of a nice long hot bath.

How do you hold yourself together, when you feel as though the rug is being pulled out from under you, and when it is finally pulled out; you know you are going to fall hard and fast. I am angry, mostly terrified. I try not to think about it, but know I must, for if I don't, I will never make that phone call tomorrow.

Last time they found the tumor was on a Monday. That was the day that my life, changed forever. Its Monday again tomorrow. This time no surprises, just a very sober reality.

I went to work yesterday, most of the day I was in denial. I know on Mon. I have to make a Dr. appt., no denial about that. Yesterday when I found the mass, my first reaction was to hit my hand into the shower, as I thought not again.

Yesterday in my state of panic, I tried to find info. on breast cancer. Breast cancer lumps do not hurt. Mine does hurt, but it is a huge mass, not a tiny lump. I do not know if that is from constantly touching it to see; if hopefully it is some figment of my imagination.

It is not even 2 years since I went through this the first time. Why is it there are certain dates we can remember, yet at times I can't remember what I wanted to say.

I Am Besides Myself

I was taking a shower this morning, and found a huge lump in my breast. I am in panic mode right now as, the reality is I am at high risk for cancer to return.

Housekeepers box

I just found this lovely enamelware, cleaning tote. I hope they ship to the U.S.

Hello refrigerator dishes...

goodbye Tupperware

Vintage Photo

This is a photo of no one I know. What caught my eye was this simply quaint, simply lovely, 1940's farmhouse sink.

Culling the path to simple living

I have already culled 5 boxes; just from the kitchen, dining room area. When I finish the rest of the house, I was going to donate all to a thrift shop. My 18 year old daughter has informed me she would like to have a garage sale. The deal is I place the ad in the Penny Saver, she runs the garage sale and keeps the money, on what ever she sells. Terrific for me, terrific for her. Also less to transport to the thrift shop.

The vintage looking, with a country feel...

make your shopping list chalk board.

Quaintly Feminine

I adore finding things that visually, I love.

Those rare moments I live for

To have special time with a 18 year old daughter is rare. I am off for one of those rare moments; to watch a episode of the Gilmore Girls, with her.

One of those life can't get any better moments.

This journey into...

menopause, is one, of constant reminders, that this too shall pass. Hormonally, I have become cranky, irritated and just plain don't want to be bothered. So I will take a deep breath and repeat; and this too shall pass, hopefully very soon.

I have gone to retro green appliance heaven

Abundance of gratitude ...

for Wednesday

To keep me grounded, is to remind myself, of what is truly important; gratitude for the simple things.

Today I am grateful for
... being able to look around my home, and to start to see the forest from the trees
... waking up at 3 a.m. and feeling well rested

I have never found a pair of heels I liked...

until these. Do these say 30's and 40's? Thank you Kohls, for Vera Wang.

Be still my heart
I already have the dress
One teeny tiny thing, that might get in my way. You have to be able to walk in them. Oh, who needs to walk, I could just look pretty. One of the odd traits I aquired, with cancer. I just live for today.

Soul nourishing music

I am driving my daughter home from school yesterday. As usual I am listening to the music, my daughter wishes, I didn't. It happens to be a cd, of one I haven't listened to. I know her voice and so does my daughter, as she is fed a consistent diet of it, when we are in the car. For once we are both taken aback, as all of a sudden this very distinctive voice, takes over, when we least expected it.

Louis Armstrong and Billie Holiday singing, Sweet Hunk Of Trash. It took me back in time, if only for a few minutes. These for me are ah ha, moments, when life can get no better.

One of life's lessons

In order to have physical self acceptance, you must first have inner contentment.

In anticipation of spring...

I have been researching a bit about what I will need in my quest for my tiny container garden. I found information, in terms, that I understand; to plant strawberries. This is what I found.

"It’s easy to grow strawberries in a strawberry pot, a planter similar to an old wine jug with openings running up the walls of the pot. These pots are designed for the way strawberries grow—with good drainage to keep the roots from getting too wet and pockets to prevent them from invading each other’s space. Plus, they can fit anywhere from a porch or balcony to a front stoop or a fire escape. Easy Container Gardening A trip to a home and garden center will get your project started. Strawberry pots and strawberry plants planted in plastic containers are available in most home and garden centers, along with all of the other supplies you need. If you go to a nursery or specialty garden center, ask for some advice about which variety of strawberry does best in your area.

MATERIALS
Strawberry pot
Small squares of wire mesh
Potting soil
Strawberry plants
Sphagnum Moss.

INSTRUCTIONS
Place the small square of wire mesh, which you can buy or make yourself by cutting window screening, in the bottom of the strawberry pot over the drainage holes. This will prevent the potting soil from draining out when you water the strawberries. Scoop the potting soil up to the lowest holes on the sides of the pot.

Remove a strawberry plant from its plastic container. Choose the smaller plants to go into the openings around the strawberry pot, saving the bigger ones to be planted in the top.

Break up the soil around the roots of the plant. Then place it into the opening, packing the potting soil firmly around the roots. Plant the strawberry to the same depth as it was in the plastic container. Place some moss around the plant in the holes to prevent the soil from washing out.

Once all of the openings on the first level are filled, scoop more potting soil into the pot until you reach the next set of openings. Repeat the planting process for this set, then repeat the whole thing until you’ve added soil up to the top of the pot.

Plant the largest strawberry plants in the top of the pot.
Gently water the top of the pot and each opening. Place the strawberry pot in a sunny location, and rotate it every few days so that each plant gets enough sunlight. Continue to water the plants everyday. And pick the berries when they’re ripe and ready to eat, so new ones can grow in their place. From the Garden to the Kitchen In a few months you’ll be ready to start harvesting your yummy crop..."

A simple reflection...

of the kichen appliances, I dream of.

Be still my heart, vintage and green
My favorite ...

This one is breathtaking...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

The exciting part about having a fondness for the vintage look, is that even though I can not afford to pay the price for real vintage, replicas are in abundance. When I am blessed to come across real vintage, at a great price; that will be icing on the cake.

The top photo is authentic, the bottom two are replicas, but just as lovely.

Tea time and cookies

My weakness is not one of shoes or clothes; but for mixing bowls and vintage kitchen towels. I know if I ever aquire a hutch, that these most possibly; would be my newest treasures.

The novice gardner...

Whomever thought of this idea, had me in mind. For one who has only had a few plants outside, and who's gardening abilities are few; this seems like the perfect way to start.

A simple reflection...

of what I want for my patio. This table is just the right size, not so overwhelming.

I Remember When

What can better, evoke yesteryear, the 50s; than the long forgotten, dutch door. It represents a era, where one didn't have to lock their doors.

Forgiveness...

is about self healing. For me, it released me, from all the emotional stuff that I carried; from day to day, year after year. It consumed my life. The emotional baggage, literally drowned me, it suffocated me; and it affected the choices I made in my life.

When I was finally able to embrace and accept the fact, that this person would never get it; only then was I able to take my power and my life back. It does not mean, that this person, is less responsible nor does it mean that I forget.

Forgiveness for me was letting go; not of what was done but of what I did to myself.

A simple reflection...

of what I want for my patio.

I want to purchase one of these. It will serve many purposes and even though it takes up space, it will clear up other places. I can do all potting on it. I can store all pots on the bottom and gardening tools on the side. Bags of soil can also be stored on the bottom.

I envision this

I am always looking for things that catch my eye. This was one. I have this pantry door, which would be a perfect place to house this. A alternative for picture frames.

A picture says a thousand words and then some

A migrant family

Homeless families, during the depression

The sad reality is, although these pictures were taken almost 80 years ago; the date is the only thing that has moved forward. We are not a third world nation, but yet we have Americans living in third world conditions.

We as a country have a abundance of resources, but yet there are people freezing to death, in the cold of winter. We produce a over abundance of food, but yet, there are children who go to bed hungry at night. We have some of the best medical care in the world, but yet there are 43 million Americans, without health care.

Shame on us.

Strawberries and tomatoes

I have a wish list for what I would like to grow. Tomatoes, baby carrots, strawberries, collard greens, baby lettuce, cucumbers and red onions. I am hoping that these are all that can be grown, in a container.

Garden In Bloom

Next spring, my tiny garden in pots; will have a face lift. The garden, now is just plants, no color.

A new home

If it didn't have a home, it usually ended up in a basket. I used to adore them, couldn't have enough of them. Now, I find ways to replace them.

A life without regrets

To be truly blessed is to live life with no regrets. Who knew it would be cancer, that would bestow this upon me. How truly blessed I am. There is certainly, no amount of time, that is guaranteed for any of us, on this earth. For me the odds that tomorrow, may never come, has such clarity. I am at high risk for cancer to return.

Living with no regrets is saying no, and knowing that is okay. It is no longer pushing down my emotions; as I now freely speak my mind. It is living life, where I put myself first, and knowing that, that is okay. It is surrounding my being, with the beauty, that I may never see. It is about embracing my soul with a abundance of humor, every chance I get.

Living with no regrets is hugging my precious daughter, every day; and having many, many Rory and Lorelai moments.

A vintage replacement

I never liked the starkness of bulletin boards. If I ever come across a memo board, in this pattern or a similar one; my old bulletin board will only be a distant memory.

Line dried

I live in a state that is known for its never ending sunshine. I have this small front yard; with a 6 ft fence, which in all reality is a patio. I will put a drying rack up, on my patio; so that my dish towels can have some place to dry. What could be better a place, than the under the warm sun.

Quaintly mismatched

I have decided that the next set of dishes I buy, will not be perfect; as in a matched set. Should I start gathering here and there what beauties, I come upon; only to add to the ones I have. For I have my mother's wedding china; sitting patienly, for that special time it is used. The truth is it sits and sits, more time in between. Why not celebrate, its beauty, in every day.

A gentle rebirth

What a lovely way to bring life to my old couch. When I do buy a new one, this pattern is quite lovely. I have also seen some floral ones with yellow that I really adored.

A simple reflection...

of what I want for my home to feel like, to me.

Culling the path...to simple living

When I cleaned out the kitchen; I put things that I no longer wanted in a box. I only have items left; that I plain and simple, just love. I did not leave, the ones that were culled in a open place as I did not want to be tempted, to reclaim them. Actually I have forgotten what is in the box, so that tells me there is no great importance in them.

I am now venturing into the dining, living room area and box two is ready to go. When I do make it into the my bedroom, and the dreaded closet; always quite organized, but has a abundance of things. If it is not a classic piece or if I have not worn it in over a year, it will go, into box number three and most likely four.

The only exception is the treasured memory box, that holds those art projects, from my children's school years. I will collect all, that is still placed here and there in the house and place it in its final resting place; the memory box.

The bathroom will be next and if we don't use it, there will be no box just a trash bag, for the various shampoos and lotions; that are just there, no forseeable use. Bathroom things such as curling irons and such, will go into a box.

The patio, will be last. All those items, that sit year after year such as the bike, will go to the garbage area, in hopes to be reclaimed, by one who can give it life once again. No more need, for bubbles and balls as all my little ones are all grown.

Quaintly feminine

I searched high and low, before I found these. It was worth the wait. Not only do they say yesteryear, to me; but they are the perfect type fit for my body.

Not only does it tell time; but it called my name

I fell in love with this, when I first saw it. Even though its too pretty to wear with jeans, I do. Other jewlery I have bought there, comes in these gorgeous red velvet bags.