Jack Jonas, gone but not forgotten

 

1931 - December 4th 2012

What a blessing, for me that our paths crossed...for the short three months, I was blessed to care for you.  What I came away, with made me feel like I knew you a life time.  You were charming, thoughtful, kind, humorous and there was such a sweetness about you.

I learned a little Dutch, we shared a comonality of how World War 2,  affected both of us in one way or another.  You, for you knew first hand what it was,  growing up  as a young child in Holland. I as my grandfather was a Holocaust survivor from Poland.  You shared with me, your knowledge and love of flowers. You would always point them out to me on our walks.

You will always have a place in my heart...God needed you and now the heavens are blessed with you.

I have come such a long way

 

God is beyond amazing.

 He carried me...out of the darkness.

  He held me up... until I saw the light.

 He embraced me...when I was so very lost.

He held my hand...every step of the way,

 especially when I did not know Him.

He blessed me with new beginnings.

   He answered my prayers...when He graced my path,

with that which I thought;,

 I would never again be capable of again.

 

R.I.P. Izzie

1999 - 2012

"I am a thousand winds that blow,

 I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

 I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

 I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the stars that shine at night.

Please stand not at my grave and cry,

 I am not there I did not die."

You will always and forever be in our hearts.

This mid life crisis of mine has re-wired my brain...with much menopausal insanity mixed in

Now from my first tattoos, I knew the next ones would be some what painful, but I thought no more than the tolerable pain of the first two.  Nope not even close.  I had not a wee bit of inkling, of what I was in for.  Nor that the intensity of the stabbing pain, would be like someone was trying to saw my lower back in half.  Did not have a clue, until that tattoo needle met my lower back and I was like a deer caught in the headlights of pain. The closer to the sides of the back, the more intense the pain...not to diminish that every where else was just as bad.  If this had been my first tattoo, I never would have gone back for a second one.

Now as I am laying on the table facing another tattoo artist, tattooing three other woman, one after another,  none of whom, are not even flinching.  The first one is texting on her cell phone, while getting her upper back tattooed. The one after, had one tattooed near her collar bone and told me it felt numbed.  Am I the only one who's head is spinning, like Linda Blair's in the movie, The Exorcist.

Now I don't know if it is just my tattoo artist, or if they all have selective hearing when you are cursing...ouch stop.  Its as though they have ear plugs in.  I was cursing, like I was possessed by a sailors mouth, even cursed the ex, who I have had no anger at, up until that moment. I was so ready to leave with just the outline and no shading done.  What possessed me to continue, all the while with feeling like, the knife stabbing pain in my back...I don't know.  Between my potty mouth, the only thing that alternated out of my mouth, was me asking...how close to being  done are we,  in that sailor's potty mouth of mine.  Almost done with the outline is what I heard, when I thought it had taken so long, we should have been done with the whole thing.  Thank goodness I decided to only to cover 3/4 of my lower back and not the whole thing.  Then we get to the shading.  Do you know that a girl in pain does not want to hear, we have 20 more cherry blossoms left, to shade.  Nope not the thing she wants to hear.  The original picture of the tattoo I wanted could not be done, as for some reason it could not be traced.  So we  found another tattoo of cherry blossoms that I liked.  This one had 2 birds in it. So glad I was not enamoured with the birds...less time tattooing meant less intolerable pain.  Thank you Caitlin and Brian for allowing me to squeeze your hands, with the power I did not know I had...through the whole time.

So at this point I am thinking there is no way I am going to get the Japanese symbols on the back of my calf today...as this pain paralyzed my brain.  After it was done and I saw how beautiful it was...(I lost what little mind I had left, once again) ya know I had to question one of the guys who had a calf tattoo and he said it was not as painful as the lower back...so back I went on the table...every irrational part of me.

No pictures yet, but hopefully very soon.

So as tattoo day approaches on Monday...

I have had much time to think.  So in addition to the cherry blossoms on my lower back...I will be getting the Japanese symbols for faith and serenity on the inside of my lower calf.  Most likely the right calf.  I will be getting the Kanji symbol for both faith and serenity.  For serenity I will most likely get either font 2 or font 6...depending on which one blends more proportionally to the faith symbol.

Japanese symbol for faith 
Japanese symbol for serenity

In six days

Cherry Blossoms In China
"The Chinese see the cherry blossom as a symbol of power, particularly of the dominance of the feminine persona. This could mean a blossom tattoo is ideal for you if you are a strong willed woman who values her liberty and freedom or if you have recently come out of a difficult relationship.
It also stands for love if you are coming from the herbal lore approach."

Cherry Blossoms In Japan
"In Japanese culture there is often a link between the blossoming of cherry tress and the Buddhist concept of "mono no aware" which refers to the reverence for life, the transience of being and the sadness at the passing of things. This is because cherry blossoms only appear on tress for short times before they fall to the ground."

"This association with mortality is highly symbolic in Japan and has been used in traditional art there for many centuries along with more recent manga or anime. This link may however make a tattoo of cherry blossoms unsuitable for some. Alternatively, it may give you renewed appreciation for the fragility of life and help you make the most of your brief time on this Earth, while bringing you a different perspective on the hard times you may face; knowing that they will not last forever."

It is true for all things...not just two souls

If you love someone, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours.  And if they don't they never were. 
-Kahil Gibran

There are times in ones journey, when online sites you visit, are a good fit.  There are other times, as you evolve and change, that the good fit...no longer fits like a glove.  So as the quote says, step back and if it is meant to be...you will return.

My emotional universe has aligned itself

The Prozac has taken me from beyond devastation to emotional harmony. With this comes a extreme personality change.  I used to be some what quiet, reserved and not very talkative.  If I didn't know you, I would either be friendly or not, depending on what I chose to do.  I avoided social situations and any time it was thrust upon me, a overwhelming uncomfortableness would over come me.  I was fairly patient and non confrontational.  I very rarely got mad, but when I did...I would unleash it with a fury on not those, who were deserving of it, but rather on unsuspecting strangers.  Before living meant just existing, living each day with no purpose.

Now that I am hormonally balanced,  I have a much calmer inner being, where my calmness goes to my core. This brings with it true inner contentment.  I think when one is truly content and all is good, it oozes out of your core into every pore.  I am  now out going, unconditionally friendly, a genuinely nice person and talkative (way too much).  Being friendly does not take effort like before.  I am comfortable in social situations. If a friend suggests making plans...I am there, where as before I would do anything to avoid it. I now have a passion for living and I am getting  in touch with my authentic self.

I would say my personality has made a 360 degree change.  It is a challenge for my children as they have never seen this side of me.  It adjustment for them, but not for me.  For me it is a passion and it fits like a glove; as I am truly happy and no longer lost inside of myself.

I was lost and now I am found

The best revenge is to live well...in the form of my every growing bucket list.  It is so empowering and I feel fierce and oh so amazing.  I am inhaling life and not just existing anymore.  Gratitude is coming back...faith is soon to follow.

There is nothing more empowering, than two tattoos and a nose piercing...

to make you feel

fierce and fabulous

The above tattoo is a work in process.
 There is no red ink, this is just the effect of the needle on my skin.

                                            

My amazing bucket list adventure

At the top, with my precious to me...niece

Thank you for going with me Caitlin.

                                   

This picture shows you no where near
 the enormity of this giant.

                                              

My amazing ah ha moment

For 23 years I waited for him to be home, move home on a "normal day to day" basis.  Now I understand that when you are career military, you don't always have that, you have time away from home and very erratic schedules.  If you are stationed 5 hours away from home, visits are in between.  I accepted that and at the time understood...regardless of whether I was happy about it or not.  I made the best of a situation I had no control over.

I was a good mate. I went to work and came home, that was the extent of my life.  Rarely went out, avoiding situations I had no business being in.  I raised our 4 children basically by myself.  I did not drink nor smoke nor do drugs.  I did not party.  On the rare occasion that I did go out with a group of employees, I never drank.  I never thought of another man, yet alone ever cheating on him.  I was beyond faithful and beyond committed even without a marriage license.

I was robbed of time, other than the 18 years of deceit.  I was robbed of all the precious time he spent with that woman.  Time that should have been spent with me and our children.  Lets face it, when this started the kids were 4, 6, 8 and 13.  This is time that they needed him the most and he should have been there.

I put up a front but I was so unhappy because I longed for him to be home and all I did was wait.  18 years of waiting and being miserable and for what.  The ah ha part is that, there was a big part of me that died from the betrayal among other intricate things.  Also the part of me that died was the unhappy mate waiting for her man to come home.  She no longer waits but now she  has now started to live  her life as though tomorrow will never come.  For that reason, Willie I will always be eternally grateful that you made the choice you did.  I guess it is true that with pain...new beginnings are born.

My ever growing bucket list

Edited to say tonight my sister, son, niece and I were at the Irvine Spectrum.  While they were in the Apple store, I went outside to sit on a bench.  The bench was facing a store. I looked to my right and see the ginormous ferris wheel...that seemed to be as tall as the heavens.   I am petrified of heights, that never crossed my mind.  The first thing that  came to my mind was...bucket list.  Went back in the store, convinced my niece to go with me and off we went.  Hesitation was replaced by excitement.  I am changed forever in more ways than one.

ride a ferris wheel - done
2 spiritual tattoos (tomorrow) - yay, done
target shooting (Indiana) - done
riding on the back of a Harley with the wind beating down on my face (Indiana)
getting my nose pierced (only if my prospective job will allow it, or it would have been done tomorrow) - yay, done
going out of my way to meet new people every chance I get (ongoing)
going to a Amish farmers market (Indiana)
trip to Tuscany, Italy
acrylic french manicure - done 
scuba diving
getting my hair professionally highlighted
swimming naked

I am so empowered and there is no other option

I will NO LONGER live in the past, the what could, what should, what did, what didnt, what if, why, why not. What I will do is LIVE EACH DAY as though tomorrow will never come.

I have found myself

I have not only regained my voice and have 110% clarity, but I am at the stage of...intense anger and it has so empowered me.  I am a force to be reckoned with.  I will NEVER AGAIN let him, her or any one else, have such emotional control over me.  I am my own woman and I am so ready to be begin my life.  I have the clarity to understand that he did me such a favor and for that I will be eternally grateful.

A life with out health insurance

I can't remember a time when I didnt have health insurance.  When my Cobra rates went from active employee rates to normal Cobra rates...it went to over $700, for the both of us.  When you are unemployeed that sometimes is not a option.  To keep one of us on it is, $363 which was only $63 more than the active employee rate, for both my daughter and I...this was much more feasable.  The question was who to keep.  We both have pre-existing conditions...me cancer and her depression, so my HMO was out of the question.  She goes to therapy weekly and at that time was the only one on medication and she is the one who gets sick more, so we are in urgent care quite a lot...so I kept her on.

When I was in the psychiatric hospital, they gave me  7 days, of the medication I was on with a referral to the Santa Ana Mental Health Center...3 days later.  There they told me I would see a psychiatrist once a month and they would refill my medication at no charge.  What a blessing  I thought.  Operable word...thought.  They did a intake to see if I qualified for their services.  Since I only suffer from depression and am not "severly mentally ill"...I did not qualify.  So they gave me referrals for therapy and sliding fee psychiatrists.  Sliding fee is $80 and up.  Now I could have financially handled that but one of the medications is for a medical issue and I would also need to find a doctor also...extra charge.

Ever since I had my colon re-sected 6 years ago I have had chronic constipation...which has only been resolved by taking 8 Senna a day.  The doctor in the hospital suggested trying a prescription called Amitiza.  So I did and it works so so.  Some days I have to add a few Senna but at least I have weaned myself off the Senna some what. 

I was getting a little frantic as I am almost out of meds and the clinic had been no help.  So I went into the walk-in clinic, which also has appointments.  The cost of the first visit $150.  Still better than having to pay both the psychiatrist and the doctor.  While I was there I decided to get my flu shot....$30  I also inquired about get a HIV blood test.  For this 18 years of infidelity there were no condoms  used...so among other things he put my life at risk.  It was only $14 for the test so I had that done.  I walked away paying $180 up front and will be billed for the lab test.  I was having a panic attack waiting to be seen, as I thought maybe they would not refill them since they were prescribed because number one I had been suicidal and number two they were not the doctors who had originally saw me.  The doctor was lovely.  The two medications that are controlled substances she can only write a months supply since I was originally suicidal and because they are a controlled substance. She said the next office visits if I pay cash will "only be $88".  I was not thrilled at the mere thought, but it is better than $150.  A little budget adjusting will have to be negotiated.  She gave me prescriptions for all 4 of the medication and changed two of them. The sleeping pill which is suppose to keep you asleep a full 8 hours...has me up like clock work 5 hours later...so she changed that to Ambien.  She also changed the anxiety pill to Xanex.

Next I was off to Target to see if the prescriptions could be covered under the $4 generic plan.  Three of them did not come in generic form.  She checked the prices for me.  The Prozac for a 3 month supply came to $10 and the Xanex $6.50 for a one month supply.  Great fill them I told her.  Next the Amitiza.  It is a relatively new drug...$800 for a 3 month supply.  Had a wee panic attack.  I thought when  I went to Costco, later that evening, I would check the prices there.  The Ambien for a one month supply was $27 and I didn't refill that one at Target either.  At Costco I have never filled prescriptions so I had no idea if there would be a savings.  The Ambien turned out to be $7.24...the price nearly 3/4 lower than the Target price.  Next time I get the other two refilled I am transferring them over to Costco.  TheAmitiza was a little cheaper, but not much...$732.  So that was not filled.  I am going to try to see if I qualify for the Prescription Assistance Program for that one.  If not I am back on the Senna...as that is the only option left.

So my first day maneuvering my non medical insurance life...left me $217.74 out of pocket...I miss my HMO.

A bit of spiritual Feng Shui

I will be getting my first tattoo on Monday.  I want something symbolic of this phase of my journey...to help me heal.  I will be getting a mirror, in the mirror a set of eyes, with tears...to reflect, that the eyes are the mirror of the soul.  I will be getting it on my back, facing away from me...to reflect,  like the tattoo, this will  always be part of my journey yet this part of the journey is behind me.

With in the last couple of weeks, my life as I knew it...ceased to exist.  The man that I had lived with, for 18 out of our 23 years together...also lived with another woman at the same time he was living with me.  Twenty three years of my life was stolen from me.  When I found out...I imploded emotionally in full impact.  If I had not gotten help, I do not know if I would be here today. I am sharing my most intimate thoughts...as I journaled them in the hospital.  I started writing on day four of a two week stay.  Most is very raw.  I am sharing this in hopes that if there is another woman going through the same thing...she should know that she is not alone. 

Aug. 31
I have imploded into many, many pieces oozing of betrayal, deceit, lies.  My spirit is broken beyond repair and the rawest of emotions keep me paralyzed.   This is my pain and I don't want to let go of it.  For all that I feel non of it is anger.  For if I get angry...then I will stop loving you and I do so love you.  Why I still do I do not know.  I think that is the one thing you can not steal from me.  The one thing that is pure and not tainted by the deceits, lies and betrayal.

I have lost control of my life and I feel like I am falling down the rabbit hole.  I have no clarity for this immeasurable pain seeps thru my every pore and keeps me paralyzed.  For I know if I let go of this pain...I let go of you and I am not at that place yet.  For to let go would mean to let go of how much I still love you and that is all in my life that I know for sure.  You were always my rock and  sanity in my life...now you are this mess which is my insanity.

I struggle to make sense of the betrayal that you felt my life should be.
I struggle to put one foot in front of the other. 
I struggle to find clarity in my life. 
I struggle with the whys. 
I struggle with answers that make no sense. 
I struggle with not caring about my life. 
I struggle with a pain that can not be measured. 
I struggle with still loving you as much as I struggle with knowing I have lived 23 years of lies and betrayal. 

Its my first day medicated and I am numb.  My emotions have gone from one extreme to another in less than 12 hours.  I feel very little and I think it is as bad as raw emotions...for the pain I feel hasn't gone away...it is now just seeping below the surface.  I am hurting myself, like those who cut themselves.  It is painful but brings a relief from the emotional pain that is festering like a open wound.  When I look at my arms raw with scratches...I see my pain.  I not only feel it but I now see it.  I rub my arms gently as a way to soothe the pain.  Just as hurting myself brings relief...so does gently rubbing the wounds.

Sept. 1
Slept until 3:30 to 4 a.m.  Even with the sleeping pill, I awake in the middle of the night...groggy but awake.  I am left suspended between 2 worlds...either numbed by medication with emotions still raw, just below the surface or a emotional mess, full of tears and a broken heart.  I am not despondent anymore.  I am just on a roller coaster of numbness and raw emotions with no normalcy in between.  The numbness with no emotions is just as emotionally uncomfortable as feeling everything.

My world is scattered in teeny tiny pieces.  What I know for sure that my spirit is so very broken and the emotional wounds run very deep.  I am still holding on so very tightly to my love for you and I am not willing or want to let go ...for reasons that I don't think I know.  I can not shut off what I feel even though you have.  Even with all the lies and betrayal...my love for you has not changed.  I don't even feel anger.  I am stuck... emotionally stuck.  I do not want to hear others talk badly of you.  I do not understand why I can not let go and thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.  I know I will have to  let go to move on.  I can rationally understand that...but I am not rational and that is so much easier said than done.  I know that letting go will release me...but for know I am stuck in a web of pain that goes to my very core.

Today will be the first day since Sunday that I will filter in strands of a life interrupted.  I will shower this morning and I will attempt to eat for the first time.  This grogginess clouds my mind, more that usual.  I pray for clarity and I know I will once again have it back...I just don't know when.  Clarity and normalcy walk hand in hand.

My sister thinks by not asking you to call me is doing the right thing.  This is my life and I am so very angry...but not at you, at her.  She is crossing boundaries, she has no business crossing...again as always.

This is my life and it is in shambles.  The one thing no one and I mean no one can take away from me is how much I love you.  This is mine, it is sacred, it is pure, it is not tainted by lies or betrayal.  It is how I feel and no one can take that away from or keep that from me...like everything else in my life has been taken away from me.

When you are on a emotional slippery slope, trying to grasp, trying to hold on....every time you lose your grasp...the tiniest of emotional respite is welcome.  Today I felt the warmth of the shower for the first time in 4 days.  It was a uneasy comfort but never the less comforting.  I smelled coffee this morning and for some reason it evoked a bit of normal in my very insane world.  It was a good smell.

Medication makes me tired and sleepy.  It has become my emotional respite from being left alone in my own mind.  When I sleep I don't dream.  When I am awake my mind becomes a dangerous to me place.  It is a place where I am left in a mind of repeating thoughts.  My pain fills my thoughts.  As the drugs takes effect, my mind becomes thoughts of no rhyme or reason, like a bowl full of mush.  This is the lesser of two evils, to have my emotions slip away to sleep.

What I want to listen to is the song by Mary J. Blige...No More Drama.  It reaches to my core and fills every part of my soul when I hear it.
No more drama
No more tears
No more pain
No more pain
No more pain
It is  how I feel and it keeps repeating in my head over and over again.

I was awoken at 3:30 p.m. for a EKG.  My heart is so very broke, nothing that a EKG can tell.  I have no track of time in here unless I ask or look at the clock at the nurses station.  Hours are melting into days and days into weeks, but my mind is stuck on words and pain.

They have a activities director who has stopped by 2 days in a row.  Yesterday she wanted to know if I wanted a list of the activities.  I told her that I am not on a cruise ship...that I just had a emotional melt down.  Cruise ships and psychiatric hospitals both attempt to keep you busy.  One so you have a good time and the other to keep your mind busy.

How can you rest when your door is being opened every 30 minutes, so someone can check on you...and then the door closes as loudly as it opened.  When I lie down a song from Shannan's Ipod keeps playing over and over in my head, over and over again.  I don't hear voices....I hear songs.  There are patients who constantly pace the hallways, back and forth past my door....over and over and over again.  Its never ending.  I am afraid of being left alone in my own head and the mental illness that surrounds me that by the time I leave here....I will be oh so close to being one of them.

I know when I leave here the path of emotional unhealthy destruction shall continue down a spiral downward of a  different path.  The pain will continue to seep out in unhealthy ways. I will never be able to trust another man again.  I will never allow another man to have my trust or loyalty.  I will never give of myself in any way again.  What I will allow my self to do is to have noncommittal sex, whether it be one night stands or  friends with benefits.  I am not searching for anything other than numbing this pain...for I fear will be with me for as long as the deception was.

It saddens me that in the 54 years that is my life...this is what it amounts to.  I never dreamed of what I wanted for my life but I know that if I would have dreamed....I would never have imagined this.

I am surrounded by one who exposes himself the ones who talk to themselves, the one who talks to himself about Jesus, the ones who hear voices and the violent outbursts and the never ending parade of those who pace the hallways.  I pray for my sanity in this very insane place.

Sept. 2
I don't now why when you first had these feelings 3 years ago that had changed.  Why you didn't talk to me.  We could have worked thru whatever you were feeling...what ever the issue was.  I am angry that you made a decision that affected my life without consulting me.  When you took that job up there you never gave us a chance.  I am so fucking angry about this decision, beyond angry. 

I now see all the little changes that now make sense.  Sex was always good for us or maybe now...just for me.  I now know that over the last 2 years, it wasn't that the sex turned bad as I had thought.  It was that your heart wasn't there.  I loved you more than life itself and I am struggling so very hard to hold on to that.  I thought I knew the reason why.  How can I be so angry at a decision you made but not at you.  Why will I not allow myself to be angry at you.  I am struggling to hold on to something I need to let go of.

When I think of the last couple of years and now look back.  I see the times that you were more distant, more disconnected from me than usual.  Now you have abandoned me in a heartbeat of time. You wont return my calls.  You have disconnected to the point I feel that you are so disgusted, repulsed by me. It cant be any worse as I feel these things about myself.  I continue to struggle.  Struggle to stop feeling how much I love you.  I cant release myself from something that makes me loathe myself at this moment in time.  I know I could have been a better partner.

In just one moment in time your life can change in a heartbeat.  Your world can be ripped from beneath your feet.  My heart is still imploding and I feel as though I am losing myself.  Betrayal, lies, deceit...these are words I despise.  Commitment, loyalty, trust, faithfulness...this is what my life was and now it is not.  I have lost a part of me...the betrayal, lies and deceit have eaten away at my spirit, like a maggot eating flesh.  The committed, loyal, trusting, faith full part of me has melted and washed away like a wave at the shore.  I am so very lost.  So deep in a forest that I will never be found again.

I want to be medicated into a mindless stupor...where all I can do is fall asleep...so that I stop feeling...don't feel...feel less pain.  I don't know whether I am coming or going.  I lose track of time.  Sometimes I get disoriented in which way I am going.  My mind is a warm bowl of mush and I so very much want to sleep. 

Why wasn't I good enough.  Why did you have the need to look elsewhere.  This betrayal I don't understand.  This is the betrayal that reaches to my very core.  I wish you could understand the depth of this pain...for if you did you never would have betrayed me.  You were the one who I thought would always protect me and would never let anyone ever hurt me.  You were my security and you were the one who stuck the knife in me and destroyed me. 

What everyone tells me time will heal.  I don't think anyone understands that time will not heal me.  Part of me died a week ago and I am changed forever.  The only way I will survive this emotional devastation is to numb the pain...while putting one foot in front of the other.  I want to drink and I want to get lost in sexual relationships that are not relationships...but just one night of many nights, just one night of totally losing myself in the moment....where there is no connection of the heart or soul but only 2 bodies connecting.  I see no other way to numb this pain and maybe in a way I am punishing myself.   But this is my destiny.

Sept. 3
There are minutes when I am okay and then there are others where tears flow down my cheeks, no crying just a silent flow of tears. 
Tears of abandonment
Tears of not being able to understand the betrayal
Tears of knowing you no longer want or desire me
Tears of knowing you no longer want to make love to me
Tears of knowing you desire another woman
Tears of knowing you will no longer be there for me
Tears of knowing that I am alone.

The deepest pain that keeps eating away at me is that you cheated, that you gave that part of yourself to another woman.  Something that you knew was so sacred to me...yet to you was nothing.  I don't know how you could, would do something that you know would hurt and destroy me.  I could have been able to deal with anything but this.  And to know that it is more than a mere lapse in judgement...but deceit of 18 years.  I wish you could see the pain in my eyes...the pain that I wear on my fore arms...the wounds that are red and ugly like the pain in my heart.

How do you hurt, destroy someone you say you cared about.  Will you ever understand the depth of this pain you have created and left me alone to deal with...as though you were never part of my life.  I am still forever broken and abandoned.

It was a rough morning overcome with thoughts and emotions that continue to overwhelm me.  I will never heal for the enormity of this mess you have created and placed upon me.  I feel like I am losing myself more in this place than I already am.  Mental illness surrounds me and I feel like I am still spinning out of control below the surface.

I did go out and sit in the sun this afternoon.  The warmth of the sun enveloped my body like a warm blanket...if only it would envelop my spirit.

Sept. 4
It has been a week since I fell into this deep dark hole of despair.  A hole so dark with out a spark of light.  Much is a blur of the first few days.  The only thing that is clear is that I knew how much trouble I was in.  The only clarity I had is that I was spiraling downward and I needed help.  The only thing I had clarity on was the immeasurable pain.  I was beyond devastation that reached to my very core and filled my every pore.  The only clarity I had was that my spirit is so very broken.  One week later and I am still so very broken like one of those jig saw puzzles with 1000 pieces. 

This sleeping pill does not help.  It takes hours to fall asleep and I am up at 4 a.m.  I am still not angry at you...your choices yes....you no.  I know that you are not the person who hurt me.  I will hold on to my love for you because that is all I am left with.  Everything else I have been robbed of.   This love no one can take away from me. 

This morning when I washed my face was the first time in a long time that I took a long look at myself.  I have been so disconnected that when I looked in the mirror...it was as though I was looking right through me.  All I saw was the physical pain I had inflicted upon myself. 
When I now look in the mirror...
I see a woman who's spirit is so very broken...broken beyond repair
I see a woman who is changed forever in a way that no time can heal
I see a woman who's sadness is now the mirror of her soul
I see a woman who grieves the loss of her best friend
I see a woman who crys silent tears for a life no more
I see a woman that I do not know

Sept. 5
Yesterday I was having chest pains all day.  The anxiety pill lessened them a bit but they were ever so present all day.  The girls came to visit yesterday.  I thought they were coming in the afternoon but no one showed up.  The chest pain worsened.  They showed up in the evening.  I miss them so.  We are all we have now and forever.  I asked Sarah if you had asked about me and she said no.  I feel abandoned.  I was discarded like a piece of garbage with out a afterthought.

When I went to get my medication...the radio was playing.  Hearing music filled me...as I miss it so much. It was like the feeling when I went outside for the first time in so long and the sunshine warmed my face.
No music here...only the sounds of the mentally ill.

The more I think about what I have found out the more I curl up in a fetal position.   You told me you didn't go to Keith's wedding.  You never found the time to spend with me yet you took her to his wedding and she told your older children that she was going to be their step mother.  You have taken her to Alabama where she has told all your brothers and sisters that she is going to be the next Mrs Holifield.  Maybe this is what your sister was talking about when you drove a truck up there one Christmas...when we lived in Los Alamitos and Shannon Russell called up there because I hadn't heard from you and your sister had said you had left with your wife.

Sean did not know we were together.  Nobody knew.  I was just your dirty little mistake.  I am your regrets of everything you have not done.

You always told me that if you thought about cheating than you had cheated.  You always told me that you never put yourself in situations you had no business being in.  You always told me that you respected your self too much to cheat and why be in a relationship if you are going to cheat.  She told me that you made the first move and went after her.  I trusted you and believed in you with every part of my being.
And you lied to me
And you betrayed me
And you deceived me
And I don't know why

Sept. 6
Little by little things are making a bit of sense.  For over a year maybe two...when we had sex something was different.  The only way I could describe it at the time was just bad sex.   Something was different in the way you made love to me,  that I just couldn't put my finger on at the time.  Now I know that you were just going thru the motions.  You were or already had disconnected your self from me.  We used to connect mind, body and spirit.  I used to believe when we made love were were so connected that we became one.  Now everything that was has washed away like a wave on the shore.  My heart aches for so much loss and you have walked away as though you were never here.  I gave you 23 years of commitment of the purest form and all I got were lies and betrayal.

I know to reclaim my life I must first let go of you...but I still and will always love you.  I don't know how to stop loving you.

Sept. 7
I have realized that I have been harder on myself than I have on you.  I lost my voice...it became entangled, strangled in my pain.   The anger that I didn't feel I unleashed on myself.   I am forever emotionally scared by this.  I don't know if I will ever be emotionally healthy again.  I will continue to try to ease this pain by self medicating. I will never go into a sexual relationship with a open heart.  The relationship part of sexual relationship will non exist.  I see many meaningless sexual encounters as the only way I can ease this empty need I have.  I do not know this woman I have become but she is all that is left of me. 

Just as I have to grieve my loss with you...I must also grieve for the loss of the part of me that is changed forever.  A life time has passed in just 11 days.  The physical wounds have begun to heal.  The scars will always be a reminder of the inner pain that will not heal.  I always knew in the back of my mind that when the kids were all grown you would be gone.  I just didn't understand the devastation of the impact back then.

Sept. 8
Your phone call sent me into a tailspin of emotion.  Angry for the lack of answers and your unwillingness to avoid answering.  The abundance of continuous deceit.  When I hung up my mind was in a tornado of raw emotion to the place I was in when I first went to the hospital.  I had to be held down by 8 men and sedated for in the mist of trying to comfort myself....I started once again to hurt myself.

The infidelity broke my spirit.  The fact that 3 years ago when you first decided you were not happy broke my heart into unrecognizable pieces.  You never gave us a chance to fix what was wrong.  The miles between us destroyed what little we had.  How unvalued I feel for I wasn't even worth trying to heal what was broken.  You walked away and never looked back.

Sept. 9 
I now know that the last couple of years you were hoping I would call it quits first...so you could walk away with a clear conscience.   What you didn't understand is how  committed to you and to what I thought we had.   For me it was that once in a life time love affair that I thought nothing could tear apart.  For my love for you has always been as deep as the ocean and as high as the sky.  In your eyes I was not the one who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.  In my eyes no one will ever love you more than I do.

The ties that bind

I was reading a blog today, and the journal entry was partially about her daughters cry for help. I sit here with tears in my eyes, as her journal entry flooded me with memories; as her daughters cry, was also my daughters....though my daughter never talked about suicide... she attempted it twice.

The first suicide attempt was four years ago; four months after she told us, what she had held inside for five years. Something so devastating, so life altering that it left her emotionally shattered. The first attempt, the day after a therapy appt. I remember her coming out early. She said everything was fine, she had nothing to talk about. The second time was five months later. Both times I took her to the E.R. This time they put her on a 72 hour hold, that turned into one week. There were no beds in the county we live in, so they sent her two hours away. I was at such a loss, as I did not see the signs.

A few months later, I could see a change in her behavior. Among other things she refused to go to school, which was totally, not her. My greatest fear was that if she attempted suicide again, she would succeed. I was not about to miss the signs again, so I took her to the E.R. I remember the drive in the car. She told me she didn't want to go back to the hospital. I told her I was going to do whatever it took to keep her safe. I also told her that she needed to work with me and that if she didn't give me or the doctor some insight, into what was going on and with her history; there might not be a choice. She did open up to the doctor and on the way home, she talked to me.

Its been three years since her second attempt. Since the stay in the hospital, she has been on medication for the depression. She has good days and not so good days. The not so good days, are becoming further between.

More gratitude, than words can ever express

This is one of those days, that nothing can take away from the.......I cant even think of words, that comes close.

The chemotherapy ended two years ago. Then there was the three month check-ups and the CT scans; which always showed something. Then there was the waiting time between appointments, for the next CT scan, MRI or PET scan. Then the slow motion, tic toc, tic toc waiting time, until the results. I would hold my breath and wait. The anxiety always there, in my shadow; wherever I went. A spot on my liver, a lump in my breast, something on my ovaries; a biopsy, a ultrasound, another scan, a different kind of scan.

More waiting... more anxiety... fear... tears... and on... and on.

Then there was today. I had my six month check-up with my Oncologist. He went over the last batch of tests done and the recent blood work and he said...

Everything is normal and you are healthy...such sweet, sweet words.

I left with tears in my eyes. I hugged Shannan when I got home; held her so close. Feeling for the first time. in such a very long time; that this hug will be one of many, many more.