Life on hold

I look around for all those things that fill me with joy and serenity, and I cant find them, as they are hidden all over the house. In closets, in bags, under tables. Things that I bought that need to be sent back are wherever. I never used to be this way. It seems when cancer came a knocking, it changed who I am; and not only in the physical sense. I don't think about it very much, but it has embraced my soul and every bit of my being. It is every where I look. I am terrified, that if I put everything in its place where it once was; it will then be time for me to go. Does it make sense, maybe only to me. This is my phobia. It is the fear that if I put everything in order, than everything else shall fall into place.

I attempted a last week to start on the kitchen. Cleaned the stove and two counters. Tonight I cleaned the sink, washed some dishes that could not be put in the dishwasher and cleaned one more counter. I have gotten the kitchen cleaned before and but that is where it has stopped.

My hope is that I can get myself together before the first rain, so that the calmness it brings with it; can embrace my soul, and envelop my being. I love the rain. I want to get a beautiful teapot, cup and saucer. I want to open the window, listen to the rain; all the while I am drinking a cup of tea and that breathtaking voice of Billie Holiday is playing on the stereo. I want fresh flowers on my dining room table. I want it all.